Present.

That is my most important New Years Resolution.

Being present.

I actually really, really enjoyed turning 32 this year.  I usually really, really hate my birthday, so my attitude was probably a very welcome surprise for my husband who has endured 11 or so years of birthdays with me.  Yes, it kinda sucked to have to go back to work after the break, on my birthday...but, I dealt with it, and maybe even had a little fun seeing the kids again.

I've been attempting to enjoy moments more and worry about what the future holds less for quite a while yet, I never really have been able to get the knack of it.  I'd enjoy a day or two, and then go right back to being a stress cased consumed with all that lies ahead (which is often A LOT).

But...then...I got sick again.

And, I remembered what it felt like.

And, I desperately appreciated the length of time that had expired without me having to feel that miserable.

The vertigo returned, and quite literally woke me up out of bed at 4:30 am a week or so before Christmas.

I was awakened, eyes still closed, with a room/brain that literally felt as it it was spinning around and around like a tea cup.  I quickly changed positions, hopeful that the spinning was just a fluke and my world would slow down.  No such luck; it was there.

I was exhausted - sleep hadn't been overflowing in excess up to that point for me, and I was certain that my sleep-deprivation was playing a key role in this evil return.  So, I attempted to sleep. 

That didn't work either.

The really crappy thing about neurological vertigo is that your damn brain doesn't ever stop...even when your eyes close, the sensation continues.  If I am lucky, I can sometimes fall asleep while spinning, but that is only if I have not become extremely nauseated from all the motion and sensation of spinning a bazillion times around.

Around 6:00 am, I couldn't take it anymore.  The spinning had made me sick enough to vomit, and I was worried it wasn't leaving.  I was so disappointed and scared.  The last time vertigo hit me badly, I was spinning for over 24 hours and then had residual dizziness and a really terrible foggy head for about 3-4 months. I did not have time for this.

I had been looking forward to this day for a week or so.  Jon Schmidt was playing at our counselor Christmas luncheon, and I was anxious to visit with friends that evening. I was so angry that this stupid disease I pretend not to have had to come back today.  But, I guess there is never a good time.

I attempted to get up; Mistake #1.  I got out of bed, tried to shake and move my muscles, stood up and walked directly into a wall. That sucked.

I walked out through the hallway, into the living area of our little basement where Blair was sleeping on the couch (he snores, I suck at sleeping...it just works for us most nights...no judging, we really do love each other).  He was dead asleep and I was in tears, sobbing. Poor guy probably really enjoyed that. He helped me back into bed and got me a bucket since getting to the bathroom was not feasible unless I wanted to crash into four walls before I got there.

I prayed and prayed I would be able to go to work and enjoy my day and enjoy my Christmas. 

Prayed.and.prayed.and.prayed.

I just did not want this to impact my kids' and their Christmas. I was so bummed.

Really, miraculously, I was able to go to work (late), but I got there by 10:30 and made my luncheon.  Not sure it was a great idea to be driving, but I made it...safely.

The worst of the episode only lasted about 5 hours.  I had intermittent bouts of it on and off for about a week or so (one while at Toys R Us...try walking around that store after spinning in a tea cup...it makes you CRAZY!)...but, overall it was okay.  I got better for Christmas.

I am feeling much, much better...I'd dare say nearing 98%, but my perspective has changed.  I rarely talk about it; I guess I have felt as if talking about it gives it power and reality...but, that is not true. I have hope.  I have hope that when I have my next MRI in June, it will be okay. That my choice to not yet take the disease modifying daily injections is okay.  My neurologist, who I ironically met with one week before this last episode, responded to a question I asked about whether or not there is any chance these lesions aren't MS by saying..."Yes, there is a chance."

I kinda took that and ran with it.

 I know the odds are not stacked in my favor (for my experience and my specific brain lesions - there is less than a 5% I will not have any more lesions appear within two or so years). 

But...odds can basically kiss off in our house - One of them wrapped his arms around my neck and told me he loved me yesterday after kicking and breaking in half a gargantuan vase my mom housed in her family room.
(That particular little "odd" knows how to work his Mama)

I am so happy I am feeling good today.
I've spent so many sleepless nights in tears, worried about whether or not I would be lucky enough to have the opportunity to be healthy enough to spend time alone with my grand kids.  I've spent so much energy worrying about Blair and how his role of caregiver in his lifetime will most likely double.  I've made him promise that if both Deak and I get to the place where we need 24 hour care, that he will choose to keep Deak with him. I can handle a home, but the thought of putting Deak in one, broke my heart in half. He begrudgingly promised me, but mumbled that he would keep both of us under his breath.

I'm not going to be that person anymore.  No more morbid questions, no more sleepless nights.  Hell, if I get the opportunity to actually sleep an entire night through...I am going to enjoy it.

I am good today - yay! I will most likely be good for a long time.  If I am not, I will deal with it and move forward.

I just have too much good happening to be stuck.  I have hugs and cheerleading competitions and underwear fights and Yo Gabba Gabba episodes yet to be seen for the 450, 000th time.

I am present.

happy.birthday.to.me.

"Abby, is that seriously the same underwear you were Saturday?"

"NO! Why do you always think I am lying? I AM NOT LYING!!!!!"

"Abby, you are wearing your cousin's underwear; you do not own those. Therefore, I know you haven't changed them since you slept at her house Friday night."

"MOM!!! They're MINE!  WHY DO YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME???"

...amidst stomping and arm thrusts....

"Abby. Just change them. Now.  Your cereal is getting soggy."

...don't for one second think it ended there....I just figured the all caps yelling and screaming was getting a little redundant....

Betcha you never had an underwear fight on your birthday.

...Only in my life...

(She eventually changed them after being threatened with death, thankfully.  I reminded her that it was my birthday and  fighting about 3 day old stale underwear was not on the top of my list as far as celebrating goes.

She kinda smiled, and said..."Oh ya, I forgot about that.")

Totally feeling the love.

A New Eve.

Last year, on Christmas Eve, I spent some time mourning a loss of the life I had envisioned for my baby boy.

It was necessary in that moment to feel that way.
Retrospectively, within those moments much of the grief that was still abiding very deeply inside my heart was able to heal.  Although I do not credit myself entirely with the awakening that began in that time, I am very proud of the place I've come in terms of Deak and how his journey will be here, with us. 

I am okay.

I am okay with where he goes and what he does.

I am okay, as long as he is happy.
More accurately, I am loving every single moment of his happy.

I had a friend a few years ago, who traveled the special needs road with her own son a couple years before me.  She and I were discussing our feelings on "mainstreaming" vs. specialized service classrooms. At the time I had VERY strong feelings about what Deakon's school picture needed to "look" like in order for him to be successful.  She listened and said, "You know, as long as Rems is happy, I am okay with whatever."

I thought she was crazy; I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to push and push to get her son as "normalized" as possible.

Sometime earlier this year, I had a conversation with her about this discussion we had had a few years ago.

I told her that although I pretended to be nice, I thought she was nuts.
But, not now.
Now, I get it.

She laughed in a I knew you'd eventually get here with me kind of way.

Happy is what's important.

Not skill sets, or developmental levels, or IQ scores.

Happy.

Does that mean I will not provide every opportunity within my reach for Deakon to achieve his highest potential?

Absolutely not.

I am just okay with the journey, and the length of time he needs to get there.

I am okay, because I get this:

And this boy LOVED Christmas.

Abby is an over-achiever in all areas, excitement at Christmastime being no exception.

She FEELS the Season.

So much so, that a phone call to the pediatrician and a dose of Melatonin each night has become necessary for all of our survival.

This year was a little different for her.  We did not have our own house, our decorations that she has grown up with were tightly sealed in the mad chaos of a disaster we like to call a storage unit, and she had to share the Christmas morning spotlight with a few more.  On the other hand, she got to spend the most awesome night/morning of the year with her Grandparents and Maddi, and that was extra special for her. 

In fact, I think Santa did a little over-compensating for this year of changes in the toy delivery department.

A few extra toys can add oodles to one's aptitude for resiliency.

Christmas Eve was spent eating dinner at Texas Roadhouse, listening to Grandpa Payne read from Luke,

opening a new Christmas book and gift from Grandma Payne,

and Christmas pajamas.

Cookies, milk and a little something extra were left for Santa to enjoy.

A wonderful beginning to a wonderful day; celebrating the birth of a boy without whom I would not be able to experience my little family's realm of happiness.
And...happy, we are.
(Mostly:)

Santa, Baby.

We are pretty stoked over here for the big night.

Thank goodness for Melatonin.

This is it.

This shall go down as the first year I have not sent Christmas cards since Ab was born.

I really love keeping in touch with friends and family, but something had to give this month...and the card was it.

So, an ecard via blogging it is:

In case you were wondering, I literally took around 46 pictures of these two crazy people.

Forty.Six.

And, this is just about the only one that turned out.

They sure are cute crazy people.

2010 for the Howe's:

Deak:  Crawling, eating, signing, eating, Heaven-sent preschool teachers, eating, Yo Gabba Gabba and most recently Dora, eating, walking lots and lots in his little green walker and eating.

Abby:  Cheer, major tumbling (she's up to round off triple back handsprings on the mat), soccer, friends, 100% over achiever academically, kind-hearted wise cracking and a not sleeping.

Jen:  Fancy machine imaging systems, work at work, work at home, TiVo, loving on her babies and not sleeping (see above).

Blair:  Work, Ute Football, Broncos Football, Jazz Basketball, Lakers Basketball (Boo) , supporter of Jen,  avid Deak flipper and quite frankly...sleeping rather well (so well that he even "sleeps" when he is watching Deak...let's just say I came home to a very naked child who had stripped himself and was kneeling in front of the big screen alone watching Dora for who knows how long.)



We hope your year was filled with a much crazy happiness as ours.

We love you,

Blair, Jen, Abby and Deak

Christmas, Christmas and Christmas.

It's an exhausting season, right?

I think that is partly why I love it, though I do feel as if I've been hit by a mack truck at the end of some days.

I am thankful for its' message and opportunities to spend time with family and friends, but am somewhat relieved to feel a little less hectic when it is over.

(Although, for some warped reason I do feel a bit of a let down after).

Regardless of my feelings, this season has provided some great picture taking material.

Festival of Trees Encore.

Santa stopped by unexpectedly after we made Gingerbread house, and coincidentally (or not) right after the girls had "emailed" him.



 (Pants are always optional).

We finally were able to slow down long enough to spend some time decorating the tree (or more accurately...watching Ab, Maddi and my mom decorating the tree).

Love it all.

Love how this crazy, busy insane season likes to force us to focus on spending time together.

Festival of Trees, Tree #2

Abby's third grade class (and all the other third grade classes in her school), rallied together to create a tree for one of their classmates, Aumberlee, who has been battling Leukemia this past year.

Cute Aumberlee chose the theme of Pink and Puppies, and all the students got to participate by making some of the ornaments which adorned the branches.

The third grade classes also worked very hard on a Christmas Choir Program which they performed at the Festival of Trees during the week.

It was darling.

Such a neat experience; grounding all these kids together by serving one of their own.

I got to go with Abby's class while they performed at the Festival of Trees, and Abby got the opportunity of showing many of her classmates the tree she had worked so hard decorating for her brother. 

It was double awesome in her book.

I'm fairly certain this year will go down in the memory books for Ab for several different reasons.  This festival and both trees she experienced being a couple of them.

The opportunity to serve and think of others' is a gift that when given to us, we should latch onto and appreciate...and I need to keep that idea as close to the surface as possible.

(Cute Ab and Elle)
I am thankful that the teachers in Abby's grade provided this opportunity for my daughter and her friends. It will forever impact their lives, and hopefully it will permeate the way they think about this Holiday season for a long time.