Dear Abby and Deak,
I've strived most of my 34 years to obtain perfection. I always had this idea that if I tried hard enough to be emotionally strong, worked hard enough on doing good things and attempted to choose others' needs over my own, life would be easy for me. I put the weight of the world on my shoulders in an effort to protect you and build the vision of perfection I wanted so badly for myself and my family.
It took me 34 years to realize I had this all completely backwards.
I will never be perfect. I never was. I feel as if I have needed to learn this lesson several times (and undoubtedly several more) in order to truly comprehend its' message. I am here, as your imperfect mother, trying so much to be this pillar of strength, when I've learned it is my vulnerabilities that draw you closer to me. It is through our weaknesses, that we learn what we are made of and what we need to do to get up the next day and try again.
It's okay to fail. It's okay to cry. It's okay to lose control.
It is all okay.
It's what makes us human. It's what makes us real.
And, it's what I love the most about life.
Because raw, genuine, unbridled emotion is what makes our hearts beat swiftly and race to keep up with our thoughts. It stirs our passions, and adds fuel to that fire of life. That, my babies, is the good stuff. That is the stuff you don't forget. The stuff that you will long for during moments of loneliness and doubt. That is what you will hold onto.
That is what I've held onto.
I don't expect perfection anymore. I don't even long for it. I will never expect it from you. I want my arms to be a place of security during your times of weakness. My arms long to comfort you. My heart aches to be a place of refuge, until the day you leave this earth. My love for you is the most pure form of joy I've ever known. It will never waver, regardless of the curveballs thrown at us. Your lives are my most defining task and my most genuine source of pride. You are my heart.
My most sincere wish in this life, and especially this Christmas, is that you never doubt the depth of my unconditional love for you. Thank you for loving me through all my weaknesses. You will forever be my babies, and I will forever be a place you can call home.
Love,
Mom
