Present.

That is my most important New Years Resolution.

Being present.

I actually really, really enjoyed turning 32 this year.  I usually really, really hate my birthday, so my attitude was probably a very welcome surprise for my husband who has endured 11 or so years of birthdays with me.  Yes, it kinda sucked to have to go back to work after the break, on my birthday...but, I dealt with it, and maybe even had a little fun seeing the kids again.

I've been attempting to enjoy moments more and worry about what the future holds less for quite a while yet, I never really have been able to get the knack of it.  I'd enjoy a day or two, and then go right back to being a stress cased consumed with all that lies ahead (which is often A LOT).

But...then...I got sick again.

And, I remembered what it felt like.

And, I desperately appreciated the length of time that had expired without me having to feel that miserable.

The vertigo returned, and quite literally woke me up out of bed at 4:30 am a week or so before Christmas.

I was awakened, eyes still closed, with a room/brain that literally felt as it it was spinning around and around like a tea cup.  I quickly changed positions, hopeful that the spinning was just a fluke and my world would slow down.  No such luck; it was there.

I was exhausted - sleep hadn't been overflowing in excess up to that point for me, and I was certain that my sleep-deprivation was playing a key role in this evil return.  So, I attempted to sleep. 

That didn't work either.

The really crappy thing about neurological vertigo is that your damn brain doesn't ever stop...even when your eyes close, the sensation continues.  If I am lucky, I can sometimes fall asleep while spinning, but that is only if I have not become extremely nauseated from all the motion and sensation of spinning a bazillion times around.

Around 6:00 am, I couldn't take it anymore.  The spinning had made me sick enough to vomit, and I was worried it wasn't leaving.  I was so disappointed and scared.  The last time vertigo hit me badly, I was spinning for over 24 hours and then had residual dizziness and a really terrible foggy head for about 3-4 months. I did not have time for this.

I had been looking forward to this day for a week or so.  Jon Schmidt was playing at our counselor Christmas luncheon, and I was anxious to visit with friends that evening. I was so angry that this stupid disease I pretend not to have had to come back today.  But, I guess there is never a good time.

I attempted to get up; Mistake #1.  I got out of bed, tried to shake and move my muscles, stood up and walked directly into a wall. That sucked.

I walked out through the hallway, into the living area of our little basement where Blair was sleeping on the couch (he snores, I suck at sleeping...it just works for us most nights...no judging, we really do love each other).  He was dead asleep and I was in tears, sobbing. Poor guy probably really enjoyed that. He helped me back into bed and got me a bucket since getting to the bathroom was not feasible unless I wanted to crash into four walls before I got there.

I prayed and prayed I would be able to go to work and enjoy my day and enjoy my Christmas. 

Prayed.and.prayed.and.prayed.

I just did not want this to impact my kids' and their Christmas. I was so bummed.

Really, miraculously, I was able to go to work (late), but I got there by 10:30 and made my luncheon.  Not sure it was a great idea to be driving, but I made it...safely.

The worst of the episode only lasted about 5 hours.  I had intermittent bouts of it on and off for about a week or so (one while at Toys R Us...try walking around that store after spinning in a tea cup...it makes you CRAZY!)...but, overall it was okay.  I got better for Christmas.

I am feeling much, much better...I'd dare say nearing 98%, but my perspective has changed.  I rarely talk about it; I guess I have felt as if talking about it gives it power and reality...but, that is not true. I have hope.  I have hope that when I have my next MRI in June, it will be okay. That my choice to not yet take the disease modifying daily injections is okay.  My neurologist, who I ironically met with one week before this last episode, responded to a question I asked about whether or not there is any chance these lesions aren't MS by saying..."Yes, there is a chance."

I kinda took that and ran with it.

 I know the odds are not stacked in my favor (for my experience and my specific brain lesions - there is less than a 5% I will not have any more lesions appear within two or so years). 

But...odds can basically kiss off in our house - One of them wrapped his arms around my neck and told me he loved me yesterday after kicking and breaking in half a gargantuan vase my mom housed in her family room.
(That particular little "odd" knows how to work his Mama)

I am so happy I am feeling good today.
I've spent so many sleepless nights in tears, worried about whether or not I would be lucky enough to have the opportunity to be healthy enough to spend time alone with my grand kids.  I've spent so much energy worrying about Blair and how his role of caregiver in his lifetime will most likely double.  I've made him promise that if both Deak and I get to the place where we need 24 hour care, that he will choose to keep Deak with him. I can handle a home, but the thought of putting Deak in one, broke my heart in half. He begrudgingly promised me, but mumbled that he would keep both of us under his breath.

I'm not going to be that person anymore.  No more morbid questions, no more sleepless nights.  Hell, if I get the opportunity to actually sleep an entire night through...I am going to enjoy it.

I am good today - yay! I will most likely be good for a long time.  If I am not, I will deal with it and move forward.

I just have too much good happening to be stuck.  I have hugs and cheerleading competitions and underwear fights and Yo Gabba Gabba episodes yet to be seen for the 450, 000th time.

I am present.