Balance

Wise people have said that the key to happiness is finding balance in your life - and I really do agree with that. I just wish the wise people would've built upon that with a direct plan to helping me figure out how to achieve balance. That's the place where I always seem to land, and these are the questions I can never find the right answer to.

How do I balance motherhood and sanity?

How do I balance my feeling important and yet show others they are the most important?

How do I balance being kind with self-protection?

How do I balance my deepest desire to give Abby and Deak a sibling, with my deepest fear that I won't make it through another pregnancy?

How do I balance Deakon's genuinely special medical needs with Abby's genuinely special need for my attention and approval?

How do I maintain relationships with the people I care about while maintaining a house, family and budget?

This week began as a balancing act. I had my first meeting with my new principal and faculty on Monday...and so it goes - Deakon came along. I did my best to be professional and listen, all the while worrying about interrupting others and my new boss's opinion of this crazy working mom who is supposed to counsel the school. I love my job, but I love my kids more. But, truthfully, I also love feeling like person who has something to offer others' for a few hours. More often than not though, I am not offering much to others because of my fear of "balancing" things in the wrong direction. Spending extra time at work = Bad mom. At least on guilt-ridden days. I am not sure I would be happy staying home completely and I am not sure I would be happy working all the time. I work part-time in my attempt at balance...but some days it just doesn't work out like my type A brain says it should.

Yesterday, I had to work again...all day at a District meeting - something that always messes with my mind because I have a hard time justifying singing songs and doing crafts as being beneficial for me professionally. But, I go. I tried to sneak in some time with my kids before running around in the evening. I felt guilty for wanting to leave them.

The balancing act continued today as I went to Deakon's doctors' office to learn how to inject Deakon's medicine into him. As I drove there at 8:00 this morning, listening to the "WhaleShark" episode of Diego in the car for the forty-thousandth time, I had some time to think about why I just feel out of whack. I noticed a couple, probably in their sixties, holding hands tightly and walking together....and I want that. But, how do I balance the relationship I have with Blair with the relationships I want to have with my children? What is the right amount of time to spend away from them to ensure that Blair and I don't lose the connection we have? The kids seem to dominate right now, and their needs seem to find their way to the top of my internal priority mountain. Yet, I have a deep understanding of the importance of the relationship between a child's mother and father. I just can't find the right answer.

Today was supposed to be a day of joy. Deakon is finally going to be given the medicine we have fought so hard for. But, the joy has been trampled by my overwhelming feeling of incompetence. I tried so hard to listen to everything the doctor said, and I even asked to practice extra times...but how do I balance being a pseudo nurse with being a nervous mother? I trembled as I tried so hard to remember the pattern I was taught...1. Pinch 2. Poke 3. Release 4. Inject 5. Count to five. I still screwed it up. Somewhere around step number three, the tears came and I had to start over. That meant another needle for Deak. I wanted so badly to do this right and be strong and think it is easy - but it is not. It's hard, and no one told me. I don't like feeling weak.

On the way home I felt broken. I have the hope that I can do this and take care of all Deakon has going for him in the coming months; I am just not sure. I began to wallow in self-pity (as they say) for while today...and when I was done thinking about myself - a little bit of clarity came.

I will never achieve balance. I will try my best most days, but I will also try to be better at cutting myself a little slack.

I have people in my life who do things like: Go to the restaurant (DoDo) I want to go to, even though she doesn't love it... Make me lunch and watch my kids...Say things like "Hey Jen, if you need someone to help hold Deakon down tomorrow night while you give him the shot, please call me."...Buy my little girl a fish and make her feel special...Bring me cookies...Email me from halfway around the world, to let me know they have my back:)...and love me for who I am, even when I suck.

I wouldn't be anywhere without the people who love me...I couldn't make it through days like this.

Thank you for keeping me sane.

Thank you for making my day.

Back Home

(I am just apologizing up front for the crazy amount of pictures...as usual, pick and choose :))

San Diego!

(Seaport Village)

Although I was technically born in Utah, I moved to San Diego when I was a few months old...so I claim it as my own. I lived there for about 11 years and haven't been back in about 10...so needless to say, I was very excited when my parents offered to get a beach house for the whole family in Mission Beach (a few miles from Sea World). I jumped at the chance to take my family to the place where I grew up. It was kind-of surreal at times going places that I had been at the same age as my daughter. My dad commented how he felt life had come full circle seeing us as adults with our children in our old spots. I can imagine as a parent how awesome that would be.

Wild Animal Park
Deak attacking a deer.
The highlight of Ab's day; the $16 4 minute ride.

The Beach

The weather couldn't have been any better. The water was warmish, and my kids had a fabulous time. Abby conquered her fear of the ocean after being trampled by a wave last year, and Deak could've played in the water and throw sand in his eyes all day.

San Diego Zoo

We made it here on the perfect day. It was slightly overcast and just the perfect temperature. We had the privilege of seeing Deak laugh hysterically at the animals, and watch a Hippo poo a very large amount of poo in our face.

Padres Game
My very, very nice sisters watched the kids while some of us got to go to the Padres game. Yea, I know the Padres are last in their division, but we had sweet seats (just to the right of home plate and 13th row) and I love baseball. We also got to see CC pitch for the Brewers, which was kind-of cool; although I wonder how he moves his body. Anyway, for me personally, it was the highlight of the trip.

Pinkberry
The hype is true. It is really good. Good enough that my dad had to take us there twice in the bus of love (15 passenger white child molester van). It was pretty awesome being picked up in the gas lamp district in front of Hard Rock Hotel/Club in that thing. Oh well, it was worth it (although some passengers might've begged to differ).

Sea World

I love Sea World. I got to go there often, even on school field trips, each year as a child. I loved taking Abby there and showing her all the things I loved. She liked it all afterwards, but I have to admit, a good portion of the day was spent with this look on her face.

Here are some of the best moments, with smiles.

The Whole Family...as good as it gets.

Payne Sisters.

The pictures don't do the trip justice. It was really easy to be together and have a good time. There are so many moments I wished I still lived there. Well, at least in our second home. When we drove by the apartment Nikki and I lived in for 7 years in North Park, Maddi asked us to lock our doors. Nikki and I smirked and replied, "Welcome to our world."

So true how much life is bound to change, and at some point you will come full circle. I am not there yet...still have a ways to go on the full circle part; but it was a step in that direction.

Thanks for the wonderful trip Mom and Dad - and family.

Go USA!!!!

So I know this might be a little lame, but I have to give a quick shout out to my friend Jane and her husband Jake. Jake is doing AWESOME playing Beach Volleyball in the Olympics and he and his partner Sean, have made it into the final eight! They play Brazil (who won gold 4 years ago) Monday night in China....so it most likely will be on TV sometime Monday morning!
Cheer them on if you can...they are much deserved of this awesome experience!
Go USA!

Summer Rocks and Winter Sucks

I feel like most of my summer has been spent in or around water. My kids can't get enough of it, and it is one of the things Deak can participate fully in. But, I am also feeling like it is going by way, way too fast.
I cherish the Summer, and I hate the Winter. I show my defiance by never wearing socks in the winter. It really tells Winter where to go (or mostly my toes freeze).
Here are a few housecleaning pictures of our hot weather activities I wanted to post before I cry and have to go back to school, work, schedules, cooking, and closed - toed shoes.

Cute Kids at Roy Pool

One of the days in the yard with the blow up toys. They are so awesome, they cost like $75 and get a hole in the same day. I also drained my car battery trying to pump up the pool on a different day. Brooke and I then tried to jump my car ourselves and that really didn't work out too well. I honestly don't think I'd sworn so much in years. Thankfully, our trusty neighbor Bob who knows everything, saved the day.

Bountiful Rec. Center - Another adventure in parking due to the fact I went there during the Bountiful Parade. Once we actually arrived though, we had the pool to ourselves.

Deak tried to catch this water in his palm for like 20 minutes...he thought it was hysterical. And, he was right.

So, if you see me in a tank and flip flops come December, don't worry, I am sane - just telling the snow to kiss off.

When in doubt, use this line...

Ab has been testing the waters a little lately in the lying area, and yesterday was no different.
When asked about why she had random lines of marker all over both of her legs...
Abby reply #1: "Kaitlyn drew on me." (A neighbor)
Me: "Hmm, okay...do you mind if I call Kaitlyn's mom and let her know what happened?"
(Like I would, just empty parenting threats).
Abby reply #2: "Okay fine. The markers just flew in the air and landed on my legs. I don't know how they got there."
Well okay then. That makes perfect sense.

Proof

This is Deakon Sick.

Seriously.

I got him out of bed this morning and he was literally lying in a pool of dried vomit. (Very Appetizing). He didn't even cry when it happened last night. (That would be why it was dry - not because I decided to let him "shake it off")

I then fed him applesauce...which fared the same way.

He laughed after vomiting.

And then, he began trying to crawl again.

He made it to the corner of the couches past the blanket. It is pretty cute; he kind-of uses his head as leverage since his shoulders aren't the strongest.

He clapped for himself after.

I told you. The kid really is happy all the time.

We Got the Juice

This morning is one for the books.

I had two very life-changing phone calls which have allowed me to be so appreciative of all I have.

Phone call number one was from Shriner's Hospital in Salt Lake City. I turned in an application a couple of weeks ago for therapy and orthopedic services for Deak. I wasn't really sure he'd qualify, but I have been so frustrated with the amount of services given to Deak through the state, that I thought it was worth a shot. Shriner's offers services to people, not based on income level like most other options, but based off the child's need. The woman who called me this morning called to let me know that Deak was preliminarily accepted and wanted to know which Doctors we would like. Shriner's offers FREE physical, occupational, speech (to cleft palate children), and sensory motor therapy - and it is the best in Utah period. Once Deak is evaluated there, they will determine what services he needs and he will be given these services for life. I cried with Joy.

Phone call number two was from the pharmaceutical company who Deak's doctor requested we go through for his Growth Hormone Treatment. The woman who I spoke with there let me know that Deakon's claim had been denied by our insurance agency (no surprise there, it usually has to go through an appeal or two) - BUT... they have a FREE program which will provide us with four months of growth hormone treatment until they sort out our insurance claim. NO reimbursement necessary. Basically, Deak will get to start juicing next week. I cried with Joy again.

When I thought my day couldn't get any better, my cute little Deakon decided to up the anty by attempting to crawl. He started this a few days ago...He actually gets up on all fours and moves his knees all by himself. He kind-of nose dives forward, but he is getting it. I sat and watched him in awe for a minute, just so amazed at how much harder he has to work, and how okay with it he is. He understands his plan is a little different and not only accepts it...he is happy. I wish I could capture the joy I feel when I see him push and try and fight against all odds...and win. I wish I could allow others to feel what I feel when I see him drink from a straw, or hold a cup, or comb his hair. To paraphrase a quote from the video 99 Balloons (click only if tissues are near), " The joy I feel for my son's accomplishment of living this month (he was diagnosed with Trisomy 18) I can imagine only compares to the joy a mother might feel the day her son graduates from Harvard or becomes President." And it truly does - and I get to feel that every day. It feels as if life has purpose, as if small issues don't matter, and it feels as if I get a glimpse of the joy I will feel when I leave this earth. Although I have had my share of pain, as we all have, I still don't feel deserving of the joy my children bring into my life. I am not sure I will ever feel adequate enough to have Deakon here, but I can promise the gratitude in my heart will never leave.

I just feel so blessed.