Balance

Wise people have said that the key to happiness is finding balance in your life - and I really do agree with that. I just wish the wise people would've built upon that with a direct plan to helping me figure out how to achieve balance. That's the place where I always seem to land, and these are the questions I can never find the right answer to.

How do I balance motherhood and sanity?

How do I balance my feeling important and yet show others they are the most important?

How do I balance being kind with self-protection?

How do I balance my deepest desire to give Abby and Deak a sibling, with my deepest fear that I won't make it through another pregnancy?

How do I balance Deakon's genuinely special medical needs with Abby's genuinely special need for my attention and approval?

How do I maintain relationships with the people I care about while maintaining a house, family and budget?

This week began as a balancing act. I had my first meeting with my new principal and faculty on Monday...and so it goes - Deakon came along. I did my best to be professional and listen, all the while worrying about interrupting others and my new boss's opinion of this crazy working mom who is supposed to counsel the school. I love my job, but I love my kids more. But, truthfully, I also love feeling like person who has something to offer others' for a few hours. More often than not though, I am not offering much to others because of my fear of "balancing" things in the wrong direction. Spending extra time at work = Bad mom. At least on guilt-ridden days. I am not sure I would be happy staying home completely and I am not sure I would be happy working all the time. I work part-time in my attempt at balance...but some days it just doesn't work out like my type A brain says it should.

Yesterday, I had to work again...all day at a District meeting - something that always messes with my mind because I have a hard time justifying singing songs and doing crafts as being beneficial for me professionally. But, I go. I tried to sneak in some time with my kids before running around in the evening. I felt guilty for wanting to leave them.

The balancing act continued today as I went to Deakon's doctors' office to learn how to inject Deakon's medicine into him. As I drove there at 8:00 this morning, listening to the "WhaleShark" episode of Diego in the car for the forty-thousandth time, I had some time to think about why I just feel out of whack. I noticed a couple, probably in their sixties, holding hands tightly and walking together....and I want that. But, how do I balance the relationship I have with Blair with the relationships I want to have with my children? What is the right amount of time to spend away from them to ensure that Blair and I don't lose the connection we have? The kids seem to dominate right now, and their needs seem to find their way to the top of my internal priority mountain. Yet, I have a deep understanding of the importance of the relationship between a child's mother and father. I just can't find the right answer.

Today was supposed to be a day of joy. Deakon is finally going to be given the medicine we have fought so hard for. But, the joy has been trampled by my overwhelming feeling of incompetence. I tried so hard to listen to everything the doctor said, and I even asked to practice extra times...but how do I balance being a pseudo nurse with being a nervous mother? I trembled as I tried so hard to remember the pattern I was taught...1. Pinch 2. Poke 3. Release 4. Inject 5. Count to five. I still screwed it up. Somewhere around step number three, the tears came and I had to start over. That meant another needle for Deak. I wanted so badly to do this right and be strong and think it is easy - but it is not. It's hard, and no one told me. I don't like feeling weak.

On the way home I felt broken. I have the hope that I can do this and take care of all Deakon has going for him in the coming months; I am just not sure. I began to wallow in self-pity (as they say) for while today...and when I was done thinking about myself - a little bit of clarity came.

I will never achieve balance. I will try my best most days, but I will also try to be better at cutting myself a little slack.

I have people in my life who do things like: Go to the restaurant (DoDo) I want to go to, even though she doesn't love it... Make me lunch and watch my kids...Say things like "Hey Jen, if you need someone to help hold Deakon down tomorrow night while you give him the shot, please call me."...Buy my little girl a fish and make her feel special...Bring me cookies...Email me from halfway around the world, to let me know they have my back:)...and love me for who I am, even when I suck.

I wouldn't be anywhere without the people who love me...I couldn't make it through days like this.

Thank you for keeping me sane.

Thank you for making my day.