Decisions Suck Today.

I usually rock at making decisions.
(I can only say that because there are countless things in life that I absolutely suck at, and I gotta count my strengths in the tiny places I find them.)
I just kinda know what I like, know what needs to happen, and then get it done.

Deak, in true form, has decided to shake things up a bit in this arena, and for once in my life, I sincerely do not know which direction to take.

I don't think it's fair that I have to decide if my son is ready for neurosurgery.  I don't think any parent should have to make that decision.  I did not, again, read the fine print on my life plan which stated that making a choice that could potentially determine whether my little boy, whom I love more than my life, would independently walk or toilet train, was going to rest completely on my and my husband's shoulders.

I really, really suck at reading fine print.

Deak saw the Neuro-Surgeon yesterday for the first time and was diagnosed with Tethered Cord Syndrome.  Essentially the spinal cord extends lower into his back, than others' and the nerves are kind of bunched and stuck together.  The symptoms include, among other things, bowel/bladder control issues and lower extremity weakness/numbness and often times back pain.  The problem with sweet kids like my Deak and diagnosis's like this, is that we have no way to really interpret, due to Deak's lack of expressive communication, whether or not he is experiencing numbness and pain.  It is completely a guessing game.  There are a few "red flags" of which Deak has little, but really, science is tricky in this area.  The neuro has ordered another test, that he referred to more than once as being "not pleasant" for Deak (a uro-dynamic study), and that should give us another "clue."  But, the neuro-surgeon honestly said "Listen to your instincts on this one.  I am happy to do surgery, or wait and do surgery.  It's your choice."

Lame. Lame. Lame.

I don't want my baby to be put through spinal cord surgery. I don't want to watch him attempt to lie flat on his back for 48 hours (not going to happen).  I don't want him to hurt and be sad and have to worry about his stats and lungs and all the other stuff that comes along with worrying about my Deak. 

But, I want Deak to walk.  I want him to toilet train. I want him to learn to rely on himself and develop the self-respect that comes along with doing so.  I want him to be happy.

There are no guarantees that this surgery will help, although all the parents I've spoken with (love, love, love my C18 friends), have said they've seen tremendous progress in motor skills afterwards.  Considering how close Deak is to walking on his own, I'd hate to not give him every opportunity I absolutely can.

But, I don't want to.

See? I can't make a decision.
I'm sure I will eventually, and I'm sure it will be okay and I will be okay.
But, for now, I am going to cry in my car alone and stress and worry.
Because, that's what I do.