It's a new year, and I am thirty-one.

I am older again. It seems to keep happening every year. It sucks. I am getting to the point where I look in the mirror fully expecting to see a young, 20 pound thinner, wrinkle-free person. I really do.
But, I don't.
I remember not understanding "older" people when they would say, "Oh...but, I still feel twenty-one!" Now, I get it. Inside, I am me. Outside, she is leaving.
The birthdays now have become more contemplative. The surrounding days are mostly sleepless and full of dissections of choices I've made and future goals. I'm pretty confident that I don't have many regrets. Mistakes...oh yes...but, regrets...no. I'm hopeful that I'll mature in my decision making and learn that my heart doesn't steer in the wrong direction.
I wonder how badly I've screwed up my children and dream of perfect relationships as they grow, marry and have grand babies. For some reason, I am really stuck on the grand baby kick right now and have told Abby countless times in the past few weeks that she is not allowed to move away when she grows up. Could you imagine? Ah...my heart already hurts.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to better figure out how to demonstrate what I believe. Game-playing and masks are not a part of me anymore. I've been there...and done that. We all have. I just want to be me. And, I want "me" to become more simple and true. I want to do less things that serve minimal purpose, and more things that are meaningful for my family, friends and faith. Ah, but Faith...that is a place I could become more true. It's a constant balance of my internal anti-authority dialogue and religious activity. I know there is a higher purpose.
Somewhere, amidst all this rambling chaosness that is my crazy head...I decided that one of my life "bucket list" goals is running a half marathon. Easy for some, really not easy for me. I suck at it, and over the past couple of years have had some issues with Vertigo that have made it even more difficult. I am absolutely DETERMINED that this is the year. I have my little training schedule printed and posted, I bought new shoes and an outfit (because really, that is super important), and I've told everyone I know so that I have some people calling me out if I bail. I'm gearing to run the Provo River Half this summer...considering I'm only up to two miles, it's a good thing I have six or so months. I've rented the first season of Glee to get me through the first couple of weeks on the treadmill...and that show is funny.
Anyway these random ramblings are allowing me to become hopeful that I will continue to progress, simplify and become more kind. And, hopeful I will be able to make it last more than a week....
We shall see.