A little Love.

As I sat down to begin writing this, I found myself taking a deep breath and then letting it exhale with a loud "Ahhhhhhh." As simple as that is for me...breathing...it has proven again, that it is something I can never take for granted.

"MaMa...I la ya."
This sentence replays in my head over and over and over.
Deak says it with the most angelic voice, and it is always followed up with a smile and sweet laugh.
Man, I love that kid.
This loving of a child with special needs is so difficult at times, and comes with a certain clause that truly you have to take every moment with you, because things can become very difficult, very fast.
Deak has not been breathing well. And, it has been so long since I have allowed those fears to simmer. Monday night was the worst; Albuterol treatments every 2-3 hours just to contain the dry cough that always accompanies his reactive lungs.
I really thought I was going to lose it this time.
Really. I was hanging by a thread.
I kept saying, "No...I thought this part was done. He hasn't had issues with breathing in over a year. We're done with this."
But, we aren't. Surprise, Surprise.
After about thirty minutes of suctioning and treatments, I left Deak comfortable in my bedroom watching Gabba. I don't think I made it ten feet before I looked at Blair and fell apart.

"I can't do this again."
"He's going to be okay Jenny."
"Okay."

I spotted Ab sitting across the room eating her favorite Arby's roast beef sandwiches (two of them, to be exact) watching with eyes of concern (words aren't her thing.) I chastised myself for being so weak, straightened up, and like any other insane woman, began cleaning the kitchen as a stress reliever. Straightening the clutter and clearing out the sink, left me feeling a sense of control over at least one minimal, yet inconsequential aspect of my life.

Family was called, and per my request a blessing of health was given to my sweet boy. Everyone in the room knew it wasn't necessarily for him...but, for me.
As my dad was lying Deak in his bed I told my mom, "It is just so hard... So hard. Because I never know how sick he's going to get. He gets so sick."
She answered perfectly..."I know. I can't imagine."

A little empathy and love got me through Monday. Deak slept well and has continued to progress with his breathing, although it won't be perfect until this nasty weather changes. My insanity has lead me to believe it is an actual possibility for my family and I to move to Park City and try to escape this horrible inversion permanently.
But, then I remember I would live in a half bedroom apartment.
I have to admit, it doesn't sound half bad if I can keep my sanity and possibly spy a few celebs during Sundance.