I can't remember the last time I truly slept.
At least...I can't remember the last time I truly slept like that.
I am not sure why anymore...I am out of easy excuses. Deakon is sleeping through the night pretty regularly, Ab always has, and Blair's snoring has taken a turn for the better (thank goodness).
I know I worry, and I know I like control - a pretty nasty combination; especially when life comes with lots of things to worry about that are out of our control. I have developed some coping strategies to alleviate some of the anxiety that eventually resides within my brain/body once my head hits the pillow; but, all too often I am stuck with "worries" that can't be fixed by over-preparation or list-making. One night last week, I was up around 2:30 am, checking my account balances and surfing blogs - and wishing I was sleeping. The mind just wouldn't allow it. I laughed inside as I began replaying a lesson I had recently taught my students about anxiety and relaxation strategies. I am pretty sure I laughed out loud when I actually began using them. I was grateful they eventually worked.
As all mothers routinely do, I like to check on my children before I go to sleep. I find comfort in watching their little tummies moving up and down peacefully and with ease. I still have a monitor in my and Deakon's room that is sound and light activated. I have tried several times to sleep with it off, but it never happens - I inevitably get up and turn it on. I have to hear Deakon breathing before I can close my eyes.
I know I worry, and I know I like control - a pretty nasty combination; especially when life comes with lots of things to worry about that are out of our control. I have developed some coping strategies to alleviate some of the anxiety that eventually resides within my brain/body once my head hits the pillow; but, all too often I am stuck with "worries" that can't be fixed by over-preparation or list-making. One night last week, I was up around 2:30 am, checking my account balances and surfing blogs - and wishing I was sleeping. The mind just wouldn't allow it. I laughed inside as I began replaying a lesson I had recently taught my students about anxiety and relaxation strategies. I am pretty sure I laughed out loud when I actually began using them. I was grateful they eventually worked.
As all mothers routinely do, I like to check on my children before I go to sleep. I find comfort in watching their little tummies moving up and down peacefully and with ease. I still have a monitor in my and Deakon's room that is sound and light activated. I have tried several times to sleep with it off, but it never happens - I inevitably get up and turn it on. I have to hear Deakon breathing before I can close my eyes.
One year spent worrying if my baby's breathing was strong enough to carry him into the morning changes you.
And, I am afraid it has changed my sleeping patterns for good.
Or maybe, it's just being a mother in general. In which case, I am in for the long haul.
13 comments:
I used to be the same way. I used to sleep so soundly and now I can not remember the last time I slept through the night. I do think it is a "being a mother" thing. I was never a worrier until I had Bailey. Now, my mind keeps me up every night. Now that Deak is not only sleeping through the night but doing it regularly, that should give you some relief. But we will never not worry. Those pictures are priceless!
It's totally motherhood. I used to sleep so sound-you could hardly wake me. But now, my kids roll over in their beds and I hear them. It drives me nuts! What is amazing is that we can actually kind of function on such little sleep-truly a miracle!!
Funny, I just commented to Spence this morning when Grady woke up way too early about this same thing - sleep. I wondered if it will ever get to a point when I am not constantly "listening"! I am totally with you on this one:)
I love sleeping kids, and why do they always sleep with their butts in the air. Maybe they know something we don't, I think you should try it tonight ........let me know how it works.
Nikki,
I am not flexible enough to put my butt in the air. I think I would pull a muscle.
Love this post! I think one of my favorite things as a parent is to watch my children sleep, I think it's the peace.
All my kids do the butt in the air and all of them have my bed grin. Yes I actually grin when I get into those nice cool sheets because I LOVE IT! It's rare I get a night to actually sleep. Remy is usually up 2-5 times a night, he thinks my bed s his bed and leaves my sheets stinking....but he is such a great snuggle bug I just try to not breathe through my nose.
Next time you are up at 2:30 just call me. I can pretty much guarantee I will be up. If only our brains had an on and off switch...
Such a cute post. I long for a good nights sleep, but I think my days are over. I chalk it up to age. Someone told me once that they feel closest to Christ when they watch their children sleep. I often think of that. I love looking at my kids sleeping.
P.S. I am laughing over Abby's sheets. What in the world?
Jen, Unfortunately, you've had some rougher nights than most, but... it comes with being a mother. I worry too. I think I will forever. I guess that is what it is all about right?
YOU HAVE NOT SEEN ANYTHING YET, WAIT UNTILL YOUR KIDS GO ON THIER FIRST DATE OR DRIVE WITH THEY'RE FRIENDS UP FARMINGTON CANYON OR HAVE A BOY-GIRL SLEEP-OVER AT PRES. WATTS HOUSE OR LEARN TO DRIVE OR BREAK-UP WITH A BOYFRIEND OR GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS OF THEY'RE OWN. IT NEVER FREAKIN ENDS, GOOD LUCK WITH IT THOUGH BECAUSE IT IS FUNNY TO WATCH FROM WHERE I'M SITTING. LOVE YA, DAD
I love Dads comment! So true worrying never ends.
I love your post, you are a great writer. I love watching my kids sleep, they look so sweet. I try to tell Erik how cute and sweet they are and he says it is because they are asleep not plotting against us.
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