Fireflies.

I needed something today.
Something to pick me up off my ugly bench of self-loathing.
I wonder why I put myself through days like this. I know better. I know how to change my thoughts which will lead to a change in attitude.
Sometimes it just feels like too much work.
Why stop when I am so good at it?

I started young.
I remember thinking to myself when I was about 10..."Jenny, you have got to stop with the guilt." I was driving with my family in our black cherry van, and was beating myself up about a white lie I had told. I had just begun to really understand the meaning of guilt; and the understanding unfortunately latched itself pretty tightly to my over-analytical, "type A" brain.

I can do better.

I watched Ab outside in our backyard a couple of days ago. She was jumping on our tramp, arms flinging in the air, smile in her eyes, and voice singing. No one could take that moment away from her. She was carefree, relaxed and alive.
How I envied her in that moment.
Not because I would like to turn the clock back and relive my youth; but, because I don't think I have ever really allowed myself to be "without worry."

But, I am going to try.

This song played as I drove Deak downtown today.
The picture of Abby jumping on the tramp entered my mind, and I felt her joy.
So, sappy as it may be - here are the lyrics.
They kind-of saved my butt today.

Fireflies
Faith Hill

Before you met me, I was a fairy Princess.
I caught frogs and called them Prince, and made myself the Queen.
Before you knew me, I traveled 'round the world.
I slept in castles and fell in love
Because I was taught to dream.

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top, to capture Tinkerbell.
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye, but I could always tell...

Chorus:
I believe in fairy tales and dreamers dreams, like bed sheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan and Miracles
Anything I can to get by.
...And fireflies

Before I grew up, I saw you on a cloud.
I could bless myself in your name, and pat you on your wings.
Before I grew up, I heard you Whisper so loud,
"Life is hard, and so is love, child. Believe in all these things"

Chorus:
I believe in fairy tales and dreamer's dream, like bed sheet sails.
And I believe in Peter Pan and Miracles,
Anything I can to get by.
....And Fireflies.