Purpose.

This is it.

The reason we are here.

I got to stand by and watch my daughter hold my son and share with him the project she had created with her heart.
"Deak...that's OUR tree. YOUR tree.  See it?  It's a Goodnight Moon Tree.  Do you like it? It's yours.  I made it for you."
There was no hoopla, no reporters, no one even clearly within earshot.
Just her heart and his.

That's our purpose.
That's what this journey is about.
Yes, there are hard days...and even hard years.
But, those moments give us an opportunity to have these kind of moments.
And, these kind of moments are the ones that build a lifetime.

If I were not to make it another day, I would be fulfilled and content.
I feel the purpose; much like a fuzzy blanket around my shoulders as I cuddle my kids together with me on the couch.
Cozy and perfect.

For this night, in this moment, I get it.  It is absolutely undeniable.
And, it feels amazing.

Worth.It.All

This Smile was worth it.

Every single second.

It was an emotional day for me.

Ab and I stood and bossed Blair, my dad, my mom and sister around as we put together this tree we had literally poured our hearts and pockets into.

I didn't want to leave.

I looked around at the pictures of babies who had not survived and I just lost it.

Why was I so lucky?

Why do I get this boy who brings vision and purpose and hope to my day to day business?

I do not know all the answers, but I do know how tremendously grateful I am.

So much so that I overstate it too often.

But, man...I am grateful beyond comprehension.

Ab and I walked hand in hand out of the convention center after spending a solid 8 or so hours decorating yesterday evening.

I turned to her and said through tears, "Ab...I cannot tell you how proud of you I am.  Without you I wouldn't have done this. Not for one second.  Because of you I get to feel this feeling and experience today.  The fact that you wanted to do this for your brother is amazing, and I love you.  I hope it is everything you hoped for when you decided to do this tree."

There were no rolling of eyes, or wisecracks...she just looked into my eyes, genuinely smiled and shook her head "Yes."

It was perfect.

From the beginning, I knew that if Ab and I were going to do this project...we were going to do it.

I think we did our boy justice.

Ab very meticulously placed the items from the story around the display. She had a vision as to how the intricate details of the story was to be brought to "life" and she scored big time.  We're talking details down to the old lady (bunny) in the rocking chair's crochet needles and the spoon in the bowl of mush. 

It is perfect.

 I cannot begin to express the thanks I feel from my heart and undoubtedly owe to my friends and family who helped and participated.  We had close to $1600 worth of books donated; close to 350.  It was unbelievable. 

I had friends and family spend their precious time envisioning and creating and aiding a very time-challenged and craft-less little old me.  Your time spent doing something to help my little family will be forever remembered.  You literally saved me.

We had monetary donations given all the way from Ab's friends and their piggy banks...to very generous corporations and families.  I had no idea of the costs doing a tree like this would entail, and I promise, every single penny helped.  Blair and I put everything we had to give into it, and would not for one second would've been able to do all that we did without you.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

We love you, and hope you love the final product as much as we do.

From the Heart...

(Reading your article aloud to your brother...I later overheard you telling your brother, "Deak. It is a big, big book for grown-ups that we are in. The newspaper.  It's really big and really cool.")

Dear Abby,

We had a conversation with your Dad last week about our "hearts."  I let you know that it is okay to let go and show other people what your heart was feeling.  You listened and said, "But Mom, I barely even show you that."

I smiled, because at your young age of 8, you are and have always been, perceptive enough to understand the barriers of your strong will and tough exterior.

Later that evening, while discussing the reasons why you were creating a tree for your brother, you sat quietly and appeared to be very thoughtfully pondering the conversation (with your one eye closed, like you always do).  You replied to my questioning with a simple answer, "I want everyone to know who Deakon is."

I smiled through my tears and said, "Ab...that one was from your heart, wasn't it."

You lit up, looked in my eyes and shook your head "Yes."

I am always proud of you, but today...my heart is full to the brim.

I am especially proud today.

Your story has not only touched my heart, but it has reached many.

You told me earlier this week, that one of your hopes in creating this tree was that "Deakon would like it when he got older."  It is okay with you that he may not understand the entire project and what you have done.  You get it.

But Abby, I promise, he loves it now.  He loves you.

Your choice to do something so selfless, even though you do not understand it to be that yet, has forever changed me.  We have had a year of craziness in our little family.  Craziness.  But, that is not what we will become, and definitely not what you will become.  We do hard things, and we become better. We become better by serving others.  Thank you for reminding me.

I know Ab, that this is just the beginning of good things for you. 

Good choices lead to good consequences - that's what we say in our house - and you are full of an amazing potential to change lives.  I know you will; it's why you are here, in our family, with your brother.

Love you over and over and over again.
I am thankful every day for the chance I've been given to be your mommy.

Love,

Mom

Click Here to Read the Story.

Better than a Party in my Tummy.

Way, Way, Way better.

Seriously, I could write about the reaction on Deak's face when he saw and processed the fact that DJ Lance was standing on stage 50 or so feet away..

But, I'd rather show you...

One of my top ten life moments thus far.

Honestly, we all were a bit worried.

We had gloriously high expectations as to how much Deakon would enjoy the show, and wondered if they would not be met.

We hoped.

We hoped the crowd and loud music would not overstimulate him to the point of no return.

This deliriously happy smile lived up to my most perfect dreams.

Aside from the momentary shocked induced rigidity, Deak was in heaven.

He was attentive and happy and awesome.

Deak was in his element; it was as if this place was created for him.

Here, he did not have Ring 18.

He was just my son.

My son wearing his Brobee shirt and sucking on his glow stick - just like all the other kids there.

They played all his favorite songs:  "Freeze,"  "Be-De-Beep-Beep-Be-De-Beep-Clap-Clap" and "All My Friends are Different."

The latter causing my eyes to fill with those tears of gratitude that they so often do.

Because, I would not change one tiny molecule of this Gabba loving son of mine for anything in the world.

He may be a different little friend, but he is my beautiful son, and I love him all the same.

The Many Highlights are as follows:

Deak on the Stage (The Ushers pretended not to notice this)

Ab with Deak (Who is refusing to turn away from the Gabba sign on the stage)

Before the show: in full Brobee headband and DJ Lance glasses gear. 

Waiting... 

 ...for this!!!

In the very first few seconds before full processing took place, he was in complete shock.

The opening scene.

Awesome Reactions...

Clapping along...

When Deak gets real excited he always grabs his shirt and lifts it up...he gets that from his father.

Ab did her best to pretend she was too old and too cool for this show, but while saying her prayers that night, she actually admitted to being thankful for it.

Guess she figured she can't fool the big guy.

The Aquabats: considering Blair and I are rarely able to get out and enjoy good music, we were quite thrilled with their rendition of "Pool Party"

La.La.La.La.

We had floor seats, and the characters came and walked through the aisles after intermission. 

They did not stop for many kids...

But, Muno must have a soft spot for my Deak. 

Biz Markie, and his "Beat of the Day."

The shirt went up for Biz...he's a fave.

The ending scene.

Such a classic picture; Blair is clearly supportive of it, Ab is rolling her eyes, and Deak is refusing to turn his head away from the electronic sign surrounding the Maverick Center.

My life. 

Within two minutes, he was out.  Only to take a good hour to fall asleep in his bed.

He kept talking and kicking and bouncing.

I'd say it was a good time.

Afterwards, Blair said that he wished we could take Deak to this show every week.

That's how much fun we had...

We just may become groupies.

Pure.Joys.

I need this today.
I am tempted to write about the negativity I am allowing myself to float around in.
But, I know that is not helpful.
And, really...I've had a pretty amazing past couple of weeks and I need to wake up and smell the freaking roses.

Pure.Joys this week:

*Ab's tree.  Although admittedly this has also proven to be a bit of a project that I am allowing myself to be overwhelmed with, it is amazing.  It is amazing that my 8 year old created it.  The state newspaper (Salt Lake Tribune) found out about the story behind our tree from the Director of the Festival of Trees, and have asked permission to run an article on my amazing daughter and the miracle story of her brother. They have already interviewed me, and are coming to take pictures of my cute children tonight for their spread.  This is Abby's dream come true - media attention - of any sort.  The even cooler thing is that she is being recognized for doing something so selfless and amazing.  It is perfect karma at its' best.

*Deak and Yo Gabba Gabba Live.  There is a future feature spot coming soon, but I am still reeling in the smile and ecstatic reactions given when DJ Lance made his real life appearance on stage.  The best buzz I've had in years...

*Good People.  I was able to spend time with the Utah Motorsports Foundation at their annual auction and dinner last weekend, and was reminded of how deeply the love for my little guy flows even into people who do not get the opportunity to know him like I do.  Love being there.

*How could I survive without a husband like mine? Last evening I left in kind of a bummer mood to go to dinner with friends.  As I was leaving, feeling stressed, rushed and nagging like crazy, I said, "Okay, I'm leaving."  He looked at me and sincerely said, "Have fun.  I am glad you have good friends and are going."  AND THEN...I came home to laundry FOLDED and PUT AWAY! Sadly for him, I returned home in a full pity-party ensemble...and he got to listen to tears and negativity.  Probably not the homecoming he deserved. Sure love him.

*Again, and again - good friends and family. I don't let people really inside me lots; in fact, I tend to push away.  I feel the need to be stoic and brave and strong, and I don't like it for people to see I'm not that way all the time.  I am kinda weird like that. Good friends see this, and cut me some slack.  They don't judge my tears or random strange blurt-outs during our conversations...they just listen.  Listen and help; help without asking.  I have been very lucky in my life to have several people like this, and could not have made it through some days with my sanity intact without them.
See...I feel better already.

Chapter Four - Fire

He got a little lost, which made him a little late... but he came.

And, he smelled real, real good.

He wore light brown cargo pants, a dark blue button-up shirt, and crispy clean Carolina blue and white tennis shoes.
His eyes were crystal clear ocean blue...
....and reminded me of home.
His hair was the fresh bionic yellow white color of a new home-spun bleach job.

Bleached hair was hot.

I answered the door, anxious to leave, knowing that my mother was not happy about this.
She knew this date was different, and she kinda liked the other guy.

My attempt to weasel in and outside the door quickly did not give me a sufficient amount of time to avoid my mother's presence and stare-down as I walked away.

But, this time, I was doing this for me.

I soon realized my friend had been right about the date.

He and I were alone in the car and were meeting another couple at a restaurant.

Definitely not a group activity.

He opened car doors and asked my opinion on music.

He had recently spent a few years serving a mission in Arcadia, California.

East L.A and Pasadena will help one to develop a taste for Hip Hop - trust me.

So, we played Biggie.

Romantic - maybe not.

Endearing...absolutely.

Nothing warms my heart like Biggie,Tupac, and a little Jay-Z ( they still do).

Honestly, between the pounding of my heart, and the infusion of adrenaline...I didn't do a whole lot of listening.
I just sat in my seat, created small talk, and attempted to reinstate blood flow to my extremities.

He was the most beautiful person I had ever been that close to.

We met the other couple at the Olive Garden, and then attempted to meet a few others for bowling.

It was Halloween, so the lanes were too crowded.

We opted to go to someones home and watch a movie.

The Waterboy.

We sat stiffly next to one another.

I placed my hand on my knee, in perfect hand-holding position.

He was a gentleman.
It didn't happen until the movie had almost ended.

He scratched my back and shivers were sent down my spine.

I let the mind begin to wander...

Is he going to ask me out again?

If he doesn't, does that mean he doesn't like me?

If he does, what does that mean?

My whole being felt magnetized to his.

It was chemistry bordering on the verge of combustion.

We walked slowly to the car.
"Hey, I'd like to see you again...soon."

The words felt like gold.

Strong, burning, golden yellow rays of summer sunshine.

"Okay."

Words are hard to find when you are on fire.

Chapter Three - Trash Bags and Dates.

Going to the gas station had developed new meaning.

A new meaning that had absolutely nothing to do with grabbing a Pepsi or fueling my silver Honda Civic.

Its' meaning was fueling my soul, and completely tripping me out.

I was given a heads-up from the guy with the info as to what night Chevron guy happened to be working the coming week.

So I prepared...

I re-showered, blew-out my hair, and dressed in my shortest pair of shorts. 

(Back in the day when short shorts actually would've looked good on me)

It was about 7:00 or 8:00 at night, completely dark...and the five mile drive felt like 500.

I pulled in the station, looked inside the window where the cashiers often stood, and did not see him.

Great. 

I put my less than $5 worth of gas in my tank and headed inside to pay the cashier.

The cashier was a worker I was familiar with (well, actually I knew them all by that point), but he was acting extremely weird. 

"Uh...do you want a car wash too? I'll give you a car wash."

"Sure..."

The worker kept dragging the conversation on..and on...

I eventually escaped and left the building to begin walking to my car.

This is ridiculous.
Seriously, Jenny...Get a freaking grip...you have a boyfriend (albeit a boyfriend across the country)...but, regardless...get OVER this silly game.

As I walked the twenty or so yards to my car, I turned around and glanced inside. 

The guy who had acted so strangely was running like crazy to the back of the store, yelling something I couldn't hear and pointing in the direction of ....me.

That's when I saw him.

The Guy.

His co-worker handed him a couple of trash bags and he began walking towards the door.

My heart died - literally died. 
I think I was operating strictly in survival mode.

He opened the outside doors and began walking towards me
....me....

He was nonchalantly carrying trash bags, glancing away from my direction just enough to seem busy.

"Hey."

Oh man...he had a voice.

"Hi." I answered casually...as if I hadn't just spent two hours primping for my trip to the local gas station.

"Uh, do you want to take out the trash with me?"

What?

Instinctively I answered, "Uh...no. Don't think I want to do that."

Nice, real nice Jen...

"Oh, okay." he replied, sounding rather shocked that I had said no.

But, really, trash?

"Well...a group of us are getting together this weekend, do you want to come?"

What was that?  A date? A non-date? Seriously?

"Sure." 

As if I was going to say no.

"Okay. I'll give you the details in a few days."

"Okay. Bye."

One month, several heart attacks and a few possible pysch woard admittances had built to this climax...
...a 25 second conversation.
But, I didn't care.

It had happened.

There was going to be actual human interaction.
And, I was pretty sure that was what I wanted.

When I pulled into my drive way, I noticed one of my guy friends had been waiting for me.

(He was waiting with a broken heart, courtesy of my best friend)

Sadly, I'm sure I only pretended to listen to his story...sadness and elation don't typical carry each other well...and I was certainly...elated.

I asked his opinion as to whether or not I was actually going on a date, or if this was just a "thing" to do with friends.

"Trust me Jen, it's a date.  He just didn't want to commit to calling it a date in case you didn't want to go on one with him.  It's what we do."

Yes, a date.