It's a new year, and I am thirty-one.

I am older again. It seems to keep happening every year. It sucks. I am getting to the point where I look in the mirror fully expecting to see a young, 20 pound thinner, wrinkle-free person. I really do.
But, I don't.
I remember not understanding "older" people when they would say, "Oh...but, I still feel twenty-one!" Now, I get it. Inside, I am me. Outside, she is leaving.
The birthdays now have become more contemplative. The surrounding days are mostly sleepless and full of dissections of choices I've made and future goals. I'm pretty confident that I don't have many regrets. Mistakes...oh yes...but, regrets...no. I'm hopeful that I'll mature in my decision making and learn that my heart doesn't steer in the wrong direction.
I wonder how badly I've screwed up my children and dream of perfect relationships as they grow, marry and have grand babies. For some reason, I am really stuck on the grand baby kick right now and have told Abby countless times in the past few weeks that she is not allowed to move away when she grows up. Could you imagine? Ah...my heart already hurts.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to better figure out how to demonstrate what I believe. Game-playing and masks are not a part of me anymore. I've been there...and done that. We all have. I just want to be me. And, I want "me" to become more simple and true. I want to do less things that serve minimal purpose, and more things that are meaningful for my family, friends and faith. Ah, but Faith...that is a place I could become more true. It's a constant balance of my internal anti-authority dialogue and religious activity. I know there is a higher purpose.
Somewhere, amidst all this rambling chaosness that is my crazy head...I decided that one of my life "bucket list" goals is running a half marathon. Easy for some, really not easy for me. I suck at it, and over the past couple of years have had some issues with Vertigo that have made it even more difficult. I am absolutely DETERMINED that this is the year. I have my little training schedule printed and posted, I bought new shoes and an outfit (because really, that is super important), and I've told everyone I know so that I have some people calling me out if I bail. I'm gearing to run the Provo River Half this summer...considering I'm only up to two miles, it's a good thing I have six or so months. I've rented the first season of Glee to get me through the first couple of weeks on the treadmill...and that show is funny.
Anyway these random ramblings are allowing me to become hopeful that I will continue to progress, simplify and become more kind. And, hopeful I will be able to make it last more than a week....
We shall see.

Christmas Eve 2009.

Our Christmas Eve was nothing extraordinarily different. We went out to dinner together, and then to my parent's house for activities.

But, it was special all the same.

Deak was not on top of his game this year. We were blessed it was nothing serious, just a little guy trying his best to get everything on his insides to work as they should.

Ab, on the other hand, was priceless. Truly a year Blair and I will remember...still young enough to believe in its' magic, yet old enough to understand the significance.

For some reason, I am a little nervous about Cam's smile...;)

I love this picture of Ab. She did this pose in EVERY SINGLE picture taken during her third year of life. The crazy excitement must have brought back the photo pose.

Happy for a moment...

Shepards' need naps sometimes.

Mary did a good job containing Joseph and Baby Jesus.

Grandma read stories...which Abby eventually overtook and read aloud.

Opening the traditional American PJ's.

Poor Sick Boy.

Gotta give Deak credit for trying to smile in this picture...Cute pajama kids.

Then, off to home...where I was DONE wrapping (thanks to some help from a friend).

We drank Martinelli's in wine glasses (Ab got to participate this year)...put Ab and Deak to bed, and watched Midnight Mass.

(Blair insists on the final one...seriously...every year. It's in Latin btw. and I lasted about 4 minutes before nodding off. But, the Pope did get attacked by a crazy lady in a red sweatshirt this year, so some excitement was added (He was okay...I'm not cruel).)

Christmas Traditions.

This December was filled with traditions...way filled. I swear the entire month went by in a blur. We love beginning the season with a trip to the Festival of Trees. Ab is dead certain that next year she will be creating a "Goodnight Moon" tree in honor of her brother. I am going to do my best to help her...(and hopefully take pictures next year.)

We began a new tradition that we absolutely loved! Abby's teacher belongs to a Christian church in Layton that performs a live "Walk to Bethlehem." It is FREE and very, very detailed and fun! It takes over an hour to experience it with your "family." It was such a wonderful way for Abby to learn about the times and events surrounding the birth of Jesus. Deak, on the other hand, screamed the entire time. But, hey...what's a night out without some screams?

(Getting Ready to See the Lights...)

Some of my family went to Temple Square together the Sunday before Christmas to see the lights and "baby Jesus." I was excited to go, thinking Deak would be entranced by the lights...wrong. He screamed again (unless Grandpa entertained him.) I think we've established that Deak pretty much does not enjoy being outside in freezing ten degree weather. Really, who can blame him?

Such a wonderful month full of focusing on being together with family.

Love it.

Full Heart.

There are moments when I still grieve.

It's nearly as hard to admit that to you as it is to actually admit that to myself.

I sat at dinner tonight and briefly during our car ride, and wondered what Deakon might be doing had his beautiful ring chromosome not made it's way into his body.

I wondered about his anticipation for the upcoming Santa deliveries, and imagined his voice telling me about what he might want for Christmas.

I let my heart feel it, just for a moment.

Abby has been anxiously planning a live nativity play to perform with her Payne cousins at my parent's home tonight. She, Mary and Deak, a shepherd. I am certain, amidst the chaos and clamoring for photos, Jesus sat with me on the couch tonight...as he does as often as my pride allows. Through a perfect Mary and a perfect shepherd, my faith was reaffirmed. I felt peace in knowing the plan for those I've born is beyond me. I allow the anxiety and guilt and stress to fester and that is what traps my heart. Really.

This night, this pure love I have for my Mary and Shepherd, this peace from a father and Savior...that is enough. It is all I need.

The Snowman that will last until June.

Ab is such an "I want to play outside...get me out the freaking house" kind of girl. Much more than I'll ever be. She sees snow and she's gone...and can be outside for HOURS. This past weekend gave her ample opportunity for projects in the snow, and the project she put on the table was not for the weak.

Earlier in the afternoon, Ab made a stop through in the kitchen and mentioned that she needed "a little help" rolling the base of the snowman. Unbeknown to us, she had rolled a ball about 30 or so feet and had created a pretty good base all by herself. She and Blair (being the good, fun dad that he is and I'm not) then went outside to begin making Frosty (That's what Abby later named him...very original). (Invitations for me to join were promptly excused with "I don't do snow, just sand." I have never owned ski/snow pants and I've lived in Utah 20 years...)

The beginning stages:

A break had to be given for church and dinner...and then those two were back at it. With a goal to roll the base all the way around to the front yard. Blair called our neighbor Deeno (Who is a recent transplant from the Bahamas) to help push.

This is where it became entertaining for me. I even put on my hood and stood outside to watch. All the while laughing so hard that tears began streaming. These two large men took TWO hours to complete this world's (or at least Howe's) largest snowman. I think they both were exhausted at the end.

Abby was in absolute seventh heaven. Laughing, running, sliding, and LOVING every minute of her 10 degree, three hour experience with her dad. Making a memory I doubt she will ever forget. I'm so glad I at least married someone who remembers how much fun it is to play...even though it requires a few extra ibuprofen this time around.

The Recliner.

I sat in a recliner in Deak's blue and red room, in the middle of the night, for a year.
It kept my back comfortable and held my arm in a way that prevented it from falling asleep.
I awoke two or three times a night and held my fragile boy's body in my arms. I gave him medicine through a nebulizer with the prayer that the mask I held carefully in front of his nose would allow him to wake up in the morning.

That chair, my husband, and I... kept him alive.
What a year that was.
I don't remember many milestones or events. Although I know much of it was characterized by hospital food and specialists I didn't want to have to meet. Exhaustion overtook most of my ability to recall specifics, but I do remember feelings. I'll never forget most of them.
Tired.
Panic.
Joy.
Hope.
Guilt...

...because I know that year will also be marked for my sweet girl. She grew ten years wiser during that time and furthered an independence due to necessity, and a mom that was coping while in survival mode. My heart aches at the thought that I may have forgotten at times to show her how important she is and how deeply my heart feels for her. Oh, how I pray that she will someday understand and forgive.

This chair may be leaving my home today. Blair and I have been selling items we've deemed "unnecessary" as a way to supplement our income a bit, and there is a buyer.
I've cried many tears at the thought of losing this chair. The new mother who is buying it won't know...she won't understand the significance it has held in my life.

But, I need to move on.
I hope today becomes a today that I will look back and recall in future years.
I hope it is the beginning of an ability to lose some of this fear I've felt and still hold on to too closely.
A closure of one world, and an opening to a world I wasn't sure would ever exist.
I no longer need that chair to help Deak breathe.
He can do that for himself.
In fact, he could walk to that chair if he really wanted to.

I think it's time to let go.

It's a good thing these things are happening at Christmastime and I have FM 100 to fall back on.

I'd like to think I manage stress well. My independence-stricken, type A personality says I "Have to, or else."

I've made a goal recently to consciously work harder at being kind. Not the fake, bring you a casserole kind of kind, but the real thing. I just really feel like I can be better. I hope to be at least.

I figured Christmas was as good of time as any to begin this task, so I've been trying...but, the stars have not been aligned in my favor. Certain obstacles have tested my patience/stress management level, which in turn, create attitude problems that I frequently need to adjust. I've had to ensure FM 100 and it's constant Micheal Buble' (or whatever) playing Christmas songs are on in my car at all times to redirect and refocus back to reason I am trying so hard.

The obstacles are included, but certainly NOT limited to:

*Deak screaming anytime Micheal Buble' or any other mellow singer decides to sing on FM 100. He prefers the Hip Hop version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town (which includes several meaningful lines: "Yo, Santa..Got my Ice? and "Rudolph...I ain't cool with him no more...he got the six four." are just a few faves) ... and those who know Deak, know he isn't shy about expressing his hatred of certain musicians. This makes listening to FM 100 and de-stressing nearly impossible while driving with him. I wish Black Eyed Peas or Eminem would create a Christmas Album.

*$700 worth of overdue work on the car. I love when those things have to happen in December. Apparently I've needed brakes, tires, air filters, a battery, windshield wipers, and several belts for quite some time. Hmmm...who knew?

*Abby's seasonal (December) ADHD/I kinda think she's on crack mental disorder. I find myself taking VERY deep breaths and closing my eyes each time she begins prepping for her dramattitude. (Yes, I just made up that word). On a positive note, she was chosen to eat lunch with the Principal at her school this week, and was beyond excited.

*Dentist checkups suck. They suck worse when the three wisdom teeth you were hoping would disappear on their own (don't they all?) decide to explode with decay. When I told my dentist I didn't feel any pain, and need to wait until the summer to pull them...He just kind of laughed and said,"Ah...okay. But, call me the day you wake up and want to shoot yourself. That's when your ugly, decayed nasty ass tooth has hit the high road." (Okay maybe I embellished the last line...the rest true)
Oh yes, and I need a crown.

Yippee.

*My hair is from Hell right now. It's like I've been taken over by the spirit of an eighty year woman who wanted to pass me her coarse, dry, gray, straggly hair do and get a good laugh out of my misery. It is falling out of my head and I have two inch gray (yes, gray) roots showing. I am ONLY 30!!!! I tried to get out of going to the Relief Society Christmas party because of the gray, but I was bribed with a diet coke from a friend and enticed to see if I could get away with sneaking it in.

(I got away with it right up to the point where I SPILLED it in the middle of the pathway...karma.)

That's all...in the spirit of Christmas and my goal to be kinder...I will not allow these momentary spite filled rages to overtake my day. If you see me humming Christmas carols to myself while in public, just walk away, give me my moment, and try to pretend it is not a sign of delusional behavior.