It's nearly as hard to admit that to you as it is to actually admit that to myself.
I sat at dinner tonight and briefly during our car ride, and wondered what Deakon might be doing had his beautiful ring chromosome not made it's way into his body.
I wondered about his anticipation for the upcoming Santa deliveries, and imagined his voice telling me about what he might want for Christmas.
I let my heart feel it, just for a moment.
Abby has been anxiously planning a live nativity play to perform with her Payne cousins at my parent's home tonight. She, Mary and Deak, a shepherd. I am certain, amidst the chaos and clamoring for photos, Jesus sat with me on the couch tonight...as he does as often as my pride allows. Through a perfect Mary and a perfect shepherd, my faith was reaffirmed. I felt peace in knowing the plan for those I've born is beyond me. I allow the anxiety and guilt and stress to fester and that is what traps my heart. Really.
This night, this pure love I have for my Mary and Shepherd, this peace from a father and Savior...that is enough. It is all I need.
6 comments:
you are a good egg.
merry christmas to you and yours...
love you.
What a beautiful Mary and a perfect Shepherd. You understand Deakon so perfectly that he doesn't need to voice what he might want from Santa as you already know. Again I will say that God knew what he was doing when he blessed you and Blair with Deakon. Abby is blessed to have you both as parents as you are blessed to have her as your daughter and sometimes guiding light. I love you all and Merry Christmas!
The both look great! I find myself wondering the same thing but then I ask if I would rob myself of the experiences I've had on this side of not so perfect...
I love the way you write (you put me in tears)...and the way you express your honesty in everything. Love your kids, they are darling. Merry Christmas!
Jen, your writing is so inspiring. You put things so eloquently. You know how to express your feeling so well. Your kids are so sweet.
It's a little after 2:00 a.m. and here I am crying... thanks to you! You are amazing Jen and FYI... we missed you at the Christmas party. Let's plan something sooner rather than later!
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