And he's off...

We're moving forward...Quite Literally.

Or, at least that little guy is.

The countless hours of hard work Deak has put in at therapy over the past couple of months is showing its' due reward.

I first discovered this a few days ago when I had left Deakon in the front room sitting and peacefully watching Diego. When I returned, he was across the room (by the stairs actually - ugh!!), smiling and kicking. Thinking it was probably something that wasn't quite "perfected" yet, I made another parenting mistake and left him in my room for a moment while he sat on the floor watching "Yo Gabba Gabba" (Forgive me for not always wanting to watch his choice of television). Well, about two minutes later when I returned this time, he was across my bedroom and underneath my ironing board.

So...two close calls, and now I'm a believer.

I wish I had a better camcorder so I could show you how the moving happens...it isn't very traditional, although he does give it a good college try with the crawling. He gets up on all fours, rocks a a bit, moves his knees, and using his head as leverage - kind-of worms forward. He then rolls a couple times. It's kind-of a worm/roll approach to movement, and it is beautiful.

Now, if this wasn't encouraging enough, he surprised us yet again. While at Shriners' yesterday, working with his physical therapist, he began "cruising" by taking side steps along a bench they have. The amount of time this little boy has spent trying so hard to step along a couch is insane. We have worked so hard on this in therapy, and at home...because it is something he really enjoys. He loves feeling as big on the outside as he wants so badly to be on the inside. I sat at therapy and watched his tiny, wobbly ankles doing their best to support a big belly, move to push a button that would activate the penguin toy. His smile when he pushed the button lit up the room, and melted my heart. All of this developmental growth in his motor skills over the past couple of months prompted his therapist to say she was "amazed" at the amount of progress he's made. It also prompted her to make a push for ankle braces. We think it will help him feel more comfortable with his stability and prompt more movement. I think his little size 2/3 feet will look adorable with them; and maybe he'll get to put on his size 5 DC's that were bought for him a year ago.

It was such a cool day.

So, this morning, as I watched Deakon show us again how he has began moving along couches; I thought about how I could take his example and move forward in my own life. We tend to think of these things anyway at this time of year, and I am, even more so with an infamous landmark in my life close to rearing its' ugly head.

Truthfully, as I thought, I couldn't nail any number of specific "resolutions" down. Sure, I want to drop five pounds, spend more time cooking, and organize my finances - but those things don't warrant any change of character or "feeling" The changes of heart are the one's I am hoping will make appearances for me this coming year. I feel like this past year has been one of learning. I have grown as a mother and person, and while experiencing what I have, to this point, the one thing I "Know For Sure" is that I am nowhere close to knowing anything. I have a long path to travel yet, with adventures waiting and lessons to be learned. Hopefully, at the end of the path, I will have gained some wisdom and spent more time worrying about others' rather than myself.

And although I am feeling old at the moment, in all actuality, I would not travel back ten years if I was paid.

Where I am now is good, and I am content - Content to be trying the best I know how.

A Great Ending to a Great Year.

Christmas Eve

This Christmas Eve we started a tradition of "eating out" rather than cooking a big meal two days in a row. It was a fabulous idea (it was mine:) Thanks to Call Ahead Seating, we had a yummy meal at Texas Roadhouse, and saw the real Santa there eating a steak before the big night.

(Abby and Taylor could not get enough of watching him eat his entire meal.)

We then went to my parents' home, where we read stories and opened PJ's.

Abby was certain she had to be in bed by 8:00 in order for Santa to come, and we let her hold on to that belief...but it would come back to bite us later.

Abby worked so hard icing the cookies for Santa. As you can see, there is a Santa cookie and an elf cookie. Good thing she left out the cookie that she decorated with blood because she ate his arm.

Christmas Morning

Due to the early bedtime issue, I was awakened at 2:00 am with the lights in my bedroom flashing on and a six year old screaming, "It's Christmas!!!"

I then let her know...it actually wasn't. Not unless we had moved to London in the past ten hours. Abby then stayed up in my room, pretending to sleep on my floor until about 5:00 am, when she apparently gave in and fell asleep until 7:30 on her bedroom floor. (At that point, I followed her into her room and slept with her in her bed...I needed some sleep too.)

You can see in the picture, she is ready to open...and Deak is still half - asleep. He chose the one day to sleep past 6:15 am to be Christmas Morning.

Deak livened up quickly, and loved "helping" his sister open his presents.

The beginning of the four hour "take out of the box" program.

Abby next to her new American Girl Doll tub.
(Nikki was bathing...excuse the nakedness).

Christmas Day/Evening

T'was the Christmas of Diego Trains, and Dancing Brobee's for Deak.

He loves the train, so much in fact, that we have to hide it if we don't want to be in charge of putting the purposefully derailed train back on track every five seconds.

T'was the Christmas of American Girl (Samantha - Thanks Gma and Gpa), Nintendo DS, and the doll who poops and pees in a potty (and apparently all over my floor.)




Deak and Cam...although both were tired at the end of the day, they were happy to be posing for the camera.



Cam

Tay

and the "Painfuls"

(aka...a pretty sweet Rockband group. Especially when Blair or my Dad are on Lead Vocals.)

The After Christmas Party with the Howe's
Ab was a little worn out by this day due to her lack of sleep and the incalculable amount of jumping she has done in the past month. She did liven up when it came time to open presents, and we all had a great time extending our Holiday one more day.


Ab and Kenndell

Easton

We had such a wonderful Christmas. It is so nice to relax and hang out with family and forget about life for a couple of days.

2009....Here we come.

Santa was nice.

I got a new camera.

And, although I am still learning...

I wanted to post a few pictures that show how we feel right now.

The "Christmas Montage" will be posted when energy allows.

Home

Tonight, I am home with my Deak.

Blair and Ab are with my sister and her family, enjoying a fun evening looking at Christmas Lights at Temple Square. As Deak and I drove to meet them a few hours earlier, Deakon got sick. I should've known; He was having a hard time holding up his little body and had fallen over a few times earlier in the day.

It is normal, I know.

Kids inevitably get sick, and they tend to at the most inconvenient times.

But, no matter how normal it is, I panic when it's Deakon. My heart feels the pain I felt rushing after the doctors who had taken my baby out of my arms and began running with him to a stretcher. The words being thrown around in the air by the bounteous staff members of Primary Children' s Hospital I had only heard while watching E.R.. I felt numb as I lied with Deak on my stomach, tubes inserted everywhere, and oxygen levels monitored by the second. I remember taking a second, while Deakon was gone for testing, to go the the restroom alone. I had just been told by a doctor that my son's lungs looked "real bad" and they were recommending he stay in the intensive care unit. The second the door to the restroom shut, I couldn't breathe. I just needed a moment to break. I fought the tears, won the battle, and made it back out before anyone noticed I was gone.

Deakon made it through that week-long stay at the hospital.

So did I.

In fact, he hasn't gone back for an overnight visit since then.

But, I still panic.

Having Deakon has changed my heart. It's outer layer is stronger than I ever thought possible. The inside is still confused at times, and tries its' hardest to hold it together.

I have thought the past few days, of Christmas, and its' meaning.

The meaning has grown for me from one of birth and rejoicing...to gratitude and peace. Christ has given me peace during times the world could not. Christ has given me joy and a knowledge that all life has purpose. And closest to my heart, Christ has given me an opportunity to see my baby boy in a perfect state. A state where he won't have to fight so hard, all the time. I know Deak signed up for this; we all did. But, the amount of joy I feel just imagining the moment when I will hold my baby boy in my arms without worry and without struggle, is motivation to work for something better.

I have a long way to go before I will deserve such a moment, but I know I can get there.

So, tonight I am home with my Deak, missing my others'.

But it is okay.

It is okay because I am so thankful for every moment.

Thank you Christ, for all these moments.

Thank you for my healthy girl and baby boy.

Thank you for the man who shares them with me.

Thank you for the peace you have granted me.

Our celebration may forget you at times and be overwhelmed with toys and food.

But, I will never forget you.

Merry, Merry, Christmas.

Third Time is Not a Charm.

Who could resist a face like that?

Apparently Aetna Insurance can.

We have been denied three times now for coverage for Deak's medicine; It has also taken them ONE YEAR to tell us.

The fact that Deakon did not GROW for an entire year was not sufficient enough reason to prescribe Growth Hormone, and they will not cover medicine for solely "cosmetic" purposes.

Because, you know, we just want to see Deakon dunk it over Yao Ming's ugly mug someday.

What Freaking Idiots (to put it mildly.)

So, I am feeling kind-of inspired by the Series Finale of Boston Legal, and considering taking Deakon's case to court.

There has got to be a "heart" somewhere within the midst of the Legal System. And, there has got to be a way for kids like Deak to get the help they need - even if it is deemed "risky" or cutting edge.

Spend freaking five minutes with the kid...Make it about a person and not a dollar sign.

I have got my work cut out for me.

So, Maybe she's not a Sociopath.

And maybe...you will all think I have a really morbid sense of humor. But, truthfully, this has been a developing issue in my mind lately.

I have been reading a book entitled, The Sociopath Next Door. It has captivated me with the author's new ideas regarding anti-social personality disorder (aka the "Freaking Crazies"). To quickly sum up her ideas, she believes that there are different spectrums of the disorder, and that one in twenty people could technically be classified as having no capacity to feel emotions. A pretty daring philosophy...but, in an overall glance at the World's population - very possible.

As I have been reading the book, I have not been able to help my mind from wandering to possible acquaintances/past experiences with people and wondering if "they" were the part of the "one" in twenty the author was referring to. Considering the population of people I have worked with due to my profession, it is likely I have crossed paths with a few...and it is understandable for me to become curious about their possible diagnosis'. But, unfortunately, it has hit home a little closer than that.

And I mean, like way close, as in - Abby.

(Don't let this picture fool you...I had just yelled, "SMILE -Damn it!" due to her adamant refusal to do so. That is probably why Deakon looks as if he's scared for his life).

Exhibit A: Incriminating Evidence.

• Recently Abby and I had a conversation about if she was being treated nicely by her friends at school. I asked her if anyone had ever made fun of her, and she quickly responded with, "MOM. That would NEVER happen to me. Ever."


• I was unaware that Abby recently overheard a private conversation I was having on the phone about a child who was refusing to go to school. The next morning, I awoke to my child refusing to go to school - stating she thought it was "too boring." (She actually loves school and her friends and has never mentioned not liking school ever before). I literally had to drag her to the car and shove food down her mouth. Apparently, she is easily swayed by negative "ideas."


• While driving to school after the above mentioned incident, I told Abby it would probably be a good idea to apologize - to which the response was a short and snotty "Sorry." I then asked her if she even meant it, and she said, "No, I don't really think so."


• After reading an alarmingly similar comparison in my Sociopath book, I began inundating Abby with questions. One of which was the classic, "Abby - would you ever want to hurt an animal, like maybe a dog?" Her response was, "Well yeah...if it was one of those stupid little annoying ones that jump and bite you - I would probably kick it."


• After completely shooting down all my questions and telling me exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear (on purpose)....I asked her if she really needed to talk to a counselor (she had basically pissed me off at this point). Her response was, "Ummm Mom, isn't that what you do?"

Exhibit B: Proof of Innocence.

I don't think a cuter dancer has ever existed. Abby was so excited to perform in her Christmas recital, and if I am bragging (which is probably okay considering I have called her a sociopath in this post),she is pretty dang good. She is the youngest in her class, and totally did the best:)

She loves to cuddle with her Dad. Mostly because he is the one who does the all "fun stuff" (like night sledding in the street). They are actually quite a lot alike...and I think they understand each other better than I understand either of them most of the time.

Abby loves her family...last night she stated that she "loves Grandma because she always does fun crafts and projects for the Holidays." And trust me, when Abby says a compliment of that magnitude - treasure it. It doesn't happen too often.


Thanks to a friend's recent suggestion (Thanks Mel) - we recently began a new tradition using a Christmas "Fairy." We read a story about a Fairy who learns a lesson about how awesome the feeling of "giving" is compared to "receiving." Abby was THRILLED when I told her that the fairy would be making random appearances in our home throughout the season, and each time she did, she would bring two gifts with her. Abby became somewhat disgruntled when I told her she would be in charge of deciding which gift to keep, and which one to give away - and often times, she would want both.

Last night, she opened the first gifts, and wanted them both - of course (a hair bow and a bubble necklace.) She stated that she wanted the bubbles more (even though she knew that was he one obviously for Deakon) and tried to give me the nice lime-green hair bow. I was discouraged, and thought she was being a stinker and purposefully not "understanding" the point of the "Fairy." A few moments later, she opened up the necklace and began blowing bubbles for Deakon. It must've softened her heart to see that huge smile, because I noticed later on that night, after she had gone to bed, that she had placed the necklace by his door.

Abby is one of a kind. As her mom, it has been an unexpected experience to watch this little independent, smart, tough as nails girl grow. I am the opposite - codependent, apparently not very smart, and very emotionally subjective. I have had to accept that with Abby, she will show emotion when she wants; it will never come out when asked. It just isn't her nature. I think I just kind-of assumed my daughter would be just like me, and it has been an adjustment to see that she came with her own ideas and attitudes. Ironically, Abby possesses all the strengths I would wish for in myself. I admire her ability to withstand rejection, accept who she is, and be honest at all costs.

So, although I will continue to question my daughter's judgement at times...I feel pretty secure with my decision that she is capable of emotion. Those gorgeous eyes and toothless smile don't lie.

(I know...scary picture of me. I just couldn't resist the genuine look of Abby in this one.)

Sleep.

I can't remember the last time I truly slept.

At least...I can't remember the last time I truly slept like that.

I am not sure why anymore...I am out of easy excuses. Deakon is sleeping through the night pretty regularly, Ab always has, and Blair's snoring has taken a turn for the better (thank goodness).

I know I worry, and I know I like control - a pretty nasty combination; especially when life comes with lots of things to worry about that are out of our control. I have developed some coping strategies to alleviate some of the anxiety that eventually resides within my brain/body once my head hits the pillow; but, all too often I am stuck with "worries" that can't be fixed by over-preparation or list-making. One night last week, I was up around 2:30 am, checking my account balances and surfing blogs - and wishing I was sleeping. The mind just wouldn't allow it. I laughed inside as I began replaying a lesson I had recently taught my students about anxiety and relaxation strategies. I am pretty sure I laughed out loud when I actually began using them. I was grateful they eventually worked.

As all mothers routinely do, I like to check on my children before I go to sleep. I find comfort in watching their little tummies moving up and down peacefully and with ease. I still have a monitor in my and Deakon's room that is sound and light activated. I have tried several times to sleep with it off, but it never happens - I inevitably get up and turn it on. I have to hear Deakon breathing before I can close my eyes.

One year spent worrying if my baby's breathing was strong enough to carry him into the morning changes you.

And, I am afraid it has changed my sleeping patterns for good.

Or maybe, it's just being a mother in general. In which case, I am in for the long haul.