Grief.
Not often anymore, in fact...not hardly ever.
But, there is something about milestones that does it for me.
My baby boy is going to Kindergarten Monday.
Monday.
I can't even type the sentence without streaming tears.
I don't know what the big deal is.
He has gone to school for the past two years nearly every day.
I wish somebody would clue my heart into that rational piece of information.
He is going to have the most wonderful teacher and the most wonderful classroom environment (the mama bear did what she needed to do to ensure that months ago), but still....kindergarten?
Man.
Deakon was invited to his mainstream classroom's Kindergarten Orientation Monday.
I don't think I can do it.
I've stood by his side in pain, held him on my lap while he struggled to stay alive, and watched him endure an endless array of doctors and pokes and needles...
but, I don't think I can do this.
I have surrendered to the acceptance of Deakon's pathway in life. I genuinely embrace my boy for who he is and look forward to watching him grow and continue to exceed the expectations of others.
But...
there is just something about sitting in a traditional classroom with 20 or so little five year old bodies; bodies that effortlessly move and talk and even breathe. A body that I pray every single night I am living right enough to get to someday witness in my son.
My heart aches for the day simple things become effortless.
There will be handouts and discussions about homework and parties and classroom rules, and quite frankly, I will be lucky if the Deakster stays still and quiet for five minutes of the discussion (rules aren't really his thing.) I feel torn between pushing myself (and others) into focusing on the plethora of things that make my Deak similar, and defending Deak's differences and allowing his overall happiness to override and take precedent.
I feel like I don't want to do either.
Does this emotional rollercoaster get easier?
Yes.
It most definitely has.
But, sometimes it still hurts too.
6 comments:
For me the worst is being around kids who are younger. My best-friend's baby is 2. Graham was WALKING before this child was even born. Now he literally runs circles around Graham. I love him and am very happy he is doing well, but it is a reminder. ::sigh::
Allow yourself to cry for the loss of the dreams you had for him... And when you stop crying, because you will, celebrate the little successes and make new dreams. My heart often catches when I see another 10 year old and allow myself some tears. I don't cry for who she is, but all the struggles she endures to do far less than her peers. Somehow it's nice to know you're not the only mom sitting with the amazing kids who everyone is staring at :)
what a blessing deak will be in the lives of those kindergarteners. they will learn things from deak that no teacher could teach them! lucky kiddos.
and i adore you and your mama bear heart.
I know it hurts sometime, but you're both gonna be fine!
Am I allowed more than one comment? You are living right and you will see that day. But in the mean-time remember no one really lives at 72 degrees and those that think they do are boring. With the low's come the highs and I think it's pretty freaking awesome given his history he is where he is.
That kindergarten teacher is lucky to have Deak in her class, he will enlighten her, all those children and their parents in ways they never could have expected.
Letting go, and letting Ethan go to school without me in tow, was one of the hardest things I ever did. It was as if a little part of me was growing up too! He will do fabulous, I can't wait to hear all the wonderful stories!!
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