Life.

It has changed for my little family a lot lately.
We have moved from the home that we built with the intention of never leaving...and it has been a little tough for me to take.  The people who are renting it from us are great, and I know will take care of it and love it, and that has made it somewhat easier, but man...the ego has been shattered a bit.
We are in transition, living with my parents, hoping to pay off a few bills and get some solid footing underneath us. I am hopeful we will find a place to rent for a while and then build again in the next year or so. Hopefully for real this time.  I CANNOT take another packing/moving adventure every few years. It sucks.

I also had another doctor's appointment this past week.  The neurologist I saw specializes in the optic nerve and ran another 500 tests on me. She was very kind, but also very matter of fact; which I appreciated. She is also Harvard/NYU/Boston Med/Uof U. educated, so her opinion was very valued in my mind.
I didn't realize until after the appointment how much I had hoped/assumed she would just down-play the major lesion on my brain. I don't even know why...I just thought she'd probably take a look at my four MRI's and say, "Ah...you know, I wouldn't really worry about it."
That's not what I got.
I received good news being as that my optic nerve looks normal and healthy now, which is a very big relief.
Almost within the same sigh of relief, came the "Oh man..I can deal with this" sigh (the one where you suck in order to encompass any strength left within your soul.)
This doctor let me know that my lesion is "big" and not good. She concurred with the belief that this lesion was the nasty bugger causing all my numbness and cramping on the right side of my body. She said it definitely looked like MS to her, and she completely understood why I was being sent for testing.
In fact...she ordered another test.
Yippee.
Although this next one is supposedly not uncomfortable and painful as some have been.
This doctor also said that she believed it was in the beginning stages, which is why the MS specific testing is not always coming up positive yet.  She actually said, "Ah..if they re-did the lumbar in a year or two...it would be positive."
Nice.

I am not ashamed in the least to admit that I am still living in the lovely land of denial when it comes to the reality of my life with this disease. Even as I type this, it feels a little "out of body" because I really have not had time or energy to devote to dealing with this emotionally. Someday I will...and someday I may need to learn better coping skills.
But, for now...this way is working most of the time...and most of the time I am okay.
Okay is okay with me.