Four Days.

I'm going to be real honest.
I was not feeling it in church last Sunday.
At all.
So much so, that at one point during Sunday School I may or may not have muttered, "Oh Hell...not again" in reference to a comment I had heard repeated too many times to count.
I sat near the back row, reading Lost Theories on my iPhone and counting the minutes until I could get home and have a diet coke.
The class ended and my sister (who was staying the week with me) and I headed to Relief Society; happy to have made it through to the last hour, and somewhat hopeful I would allow myself an opportunity to worship he for whom I had gotten dressed and driven to church for.

The lesson began, and was introduced as the story of Hannah in the Bible.
*I'm going to be real honest again.
I haven't read it (The Bible).
Most of it.
With the exception of the Gospels for a spell in college while I went to Institute with a group of boys I wanted to impress.
Oh, and Luke at Christmastime.
My little family began reading a children's version of the Bible together each Sunday this year, and I have sat and listened intently as my Husband reads them aloud...hearing most of these stories for the first time in my adult life.

The story of Hannah (briefly synopsised) is one of a woman who desperately prays for her Heavenly Father to grant her a child, and is willing to sacrifice her child to the Lord at the age of three...knowing that by doing so, he will be serving God.

Several women relayed correlations to the sacrifice mothers make when their sons choose to leave for two years and serve a mission for the church.
My heart swelled and I was touched...as if this lesson had been written for me...even on a day I didn't particularly want to hear it. Funny how things usually work that way.

I had four days of experiencing Deakon before we knew our Deakon was going to be the Deakon we know now.
Four days spent dreaming of Jordan Shoes and Football Jerseys.
Four days spent dreaming of sitting on sidelines of sporting events, and bouncing Jazz stats off one another.
Four days spent dreaming of a gorgeous blond and blue-eyed boy deflecting numerous phone calls from girls, because truly...his mother was the only one for him:)
Four days spent wondering if I would be strong enough to allow my son an opportunity to serve the Church we believed in, should he choose to...when the time came.

I remember very clearly telling Blair, "I don't want him to go on a mission. I couldn't bear it." Blair's response being, "Jenny...he's not born yet. You have 19 years." (Psshh to rational thinking...)

Four days to buy crib bedding with footballs.

Four days to place several Internet orders through Gymboree and Gap: Jammies with cars and baseball bats..."Mommy's Little Slugger" one said. Boxes my heart could not open until the day before his birth.

Ten seconds on the phone with my Doctor who was unsure of what, but knew something wasn't right...ten seconds for the life of this very alive and beautiful boy I had spent four days dreaming about, to disappear.

Those next few weeks were spent in fervent prayer; a phrase which I did not fully comprehend until I was involved in it. I made promise upon promise...most of which I have done terrible at keeping. I would have sacrificed nearly anything to be able to hold this baby boy I had grown to love so deeply.

Much like Hannah...

I sat on my bed the other night, watched the new episode of Gabba, and held my precious boy. He curled his head into my chest and cuddled. I watched him drink out of his sippy cup with car pictures, wearing a pair of Nike basketball shorts and Kobe sneakers...and felt at peace. Those dreams I had for those four days have all come true. The grief I've felt at the loss of experiencing a world with a "traditional" son is beginning to dissipate.

I Have My Son.

Something I promised I would never take for granted. Something I willingly sacrificed my silly superficial dreams for. Those four days I often look back upon as one of those places in life one knows they can never get back.

But, for once...I think I am finally okay with that.