Remember.

I smiled watching Abby under the Christmas tree tonight. She was just hanging out underneath, eating homemade chocolate chip cookies and reading stories. Echos of "Run, Run, Run, It's Fun, Fun, Fun" from the Yo Gabba Gabba Guitar and Booner announcing the Jazz game played in the background.

Abby tends to function in crazy mode during the month of December. She moves 100 miles a minute, and wants to see, feel, taste and touch everything around her. Her already bright eyes shine in that pure unadulterated excitement, and each time I see them I get to briefly remember my trips to Candy Cane Lane and Christmas Street. I feel 70 degree Christmas mornings filled with Cabbage Patch dolls and Madonna tapes.

Even though I am tempted to spike her milk with a hefty dose of Benadryl each morning, I am certain there will be a time in her near future when my tears will sting as I think of how she's grown beyond this stage.

A stage she gives me the opportunity to remember again, and I never want to see her lose.

Last night was spent decorating the tree, listening to Christmas music, sipping sparkling cider and eating pumpkin pie. It was spent with the sincere hope that I will give my kids the same types of sparkle filled memories that I have of this time of year. At least enough of them to help compensate for my fair share of non sparkly memories that I am destined to also relay to their adulthood.

Cheers to the beginning of the season.

My Heart is Walking.

I've put off writing about this because my heart is not quite sure if it is ready to expose the depth of emotions these past two weeks have brought me. Words will not begin to do justice to the experience of watching my baby boy take his first long-awaited step away from my arms. Away from my arms and into a world that I am learning to accept he will have to eventually become a part of.

We have waited so long for Deak to get his walker. We were loaned one for the weekend several months ago, and knew we needed to wait until we could get the one that would work best for him. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.

He is finally ready. I couldn't make him ready and I couldn't control the timing. I have had to step back the past few months and attempt to take less ownership of his therapeutic accomplishments. Something that is really, really, really hard for me to do. But, it is something that will hopefully help with my sanity.

I expected tantrums at first. I anticipated screaming, yelling and stiff stubborn legs.

I got laughs, smiles, kissy lips and purposeful movement.

It was his choice this time...not mine.

While walking, Deak's eyes light up and he pushes his cute little lips together in concentration. When he arrives at his destination...he claps for himself and his smile takes up his whole face. He feels proud, autonomous, and pretty freaking cool.

In the past 10 or so days we have had the walker, Deak has learned how to maneuver it more than I anticipated he would learn in a month. Today I took my niece, nephew, Abby and Deak to a Children's Museum and decided to venture out into the "real" world with the walker.

Deak had issues with screaming every time the walker or any of us stopped walking, but it was amazing to watch him try and try and try to get where he wanted to go.

My boy has grown up.

We spent some time in the art area and painted pictures. I knew Deak liked it, but I really understood he liked it, when I watched him figure out how to turn the wheels on his walker, and walk twenty or so feet in about four minutes.

His destination...paint project number two.

He got to choose what to do for one of the first times in his life.

And, I got to watch.

The view was pretty cool.

Abby needs an Agent.

Abby was in her first official play a month ago, and was SUPER excited to be a part of it.

The second grade at her school got an opportunity to spend two weeks with Zinze, an African drummer and artist. At the end of the two weeks they performed with the drums and a play. Only a few children got to participate in the play, and Abby was stoked she was chosen to be one of them. She had to miss several recesses for "practice"...all in preparation for her one line.

"I am the Dove."

She was fabulous, and truly loved every minute of it.

Step aside Hannah Montana.

Easy.

I've sat in lots and lots of waiting rooms.

I could drive to Primary Children's Hospital with my eyes closed, but hope to never try.

I've watched parents head inside those doors and hear the words "Everything went great"... then leave. Hopefully, never returning. That visit being a "one hit wonder."

That is not exactly our story, and I am okay with the fact that it most likely will never be.
But, today...it was.
I got a taste of easy. Boy. It feels good.

My Deak had tubes replaced today. Nothing serious for most. Last time he got he tubes in, he also underwent a bronchoscopy. That procedure caused his lungs to react and fill up with mucus. A simple twenty minute procedure turned into two hours and an overnight hospital stay. Today, we arrived at the hospital at 7:45 and we were home by noon. In fact, Deak and I decided to screw the dietary guidelines and eat fries on the way home to celebrate.

Easy for most, but a miracle for me.

Goodnight Moon.

Goodnight Room.

Goodnight Light and the Red Balloon
(Then you ask, "Where's the red balloon?"- to which Deakon responds "Ah." while pointing at the red balloon with his cute little chubby pointer finger. A feat he has just recently mastered.)

Abby, Blair and I have read this story at least a thousand times over the past few weeks.
It has become a favorite of Deak's and if you have been around him at all lately, he has most likely spun in a circle or rolled towards you, book in hand, in an attempt to get you to read it to him.
And, without fail...he will scream with joy as you open the first page.
It doesn't matter if he has already heard the story twenty times that hour.
It is always a thrilling as it was the first time.
Pure Joy.

I watched Deak as he attempted to read the book to himself a few days ago.

His little hands shook as he tried, over and over and over...to turn each page in the correct order. My heart broke as I watched him throw the book down yelling, "Ahhh!" in frustration.

Because it was hard. Really hard. His fingers are just learning to hold marbles and forks and color...

Nothing is harder than watching your child try and fail. Nothing.

My first instinct was to race over and read the story to him...you know...fix it, that's what I do.

But, this time I didn't. I let him try to fix it himself; and it was beautiful. He persevered and repeated his attempts over and over and over and over. It was so interesting because after each failure, he would spin a few strides to the left and turn the book over again...as if he was sure that it was merely bad positioning of his body that was causing this task to be so difficult.

You should see him read it now.

It's not perfect, and he doesn't say the words aloud, but he is reading it. I watch him point to the pictures in order, and complete the actions we've made as we've read the story together. It is enough to keep your heart full for weeks.

Goodnight Stars.

Goodnight Air.
Goodnight Noises Everywhere.

(All done Deakon...Okay one more time...)

(He caught me this time...)

Comfort.

I've felt confused about certain things lately.
I've allowed that confusion to spill over into certain areas, and cloud emotions and feelings that I know are undeniable.
I go "up and down" on my journey to discovering truth. I think I want to understand more than I can during this life. I've witnessed and experienced lots for a 30 year old, and there are moments when I feel burden and guilt and do not want to have to answer to any more responsibility. I kinda want a break.

But...then I see him.
And her.

I see a light in his eyes that does not come from me.

And I gain strength in a knowledge that they will be mine forever.
And he will be okay.
And... I will be okay.

Things have began to become a little clearer.
I found this talk while visiting a blog of an amazing family.
I don't think I found it by accident.

One of the Many Reasons Why...

...I love Abby.

Last night we went to Iggy's to watch the Monday night Broncos/Steelers game.

(Yes...our family night activity took place at a Sports Bar.)

During the midst of dinner and conversation, I "may have" accidentally called my daughter a "smart ass." In the most loving way...(she is.)

She responded by repeating the phrase and laughing - to which I responded with chastisement for her swearing. (I don't really care about double standards.)

Abby turned to me and Maddi and said, "Well, I better get it all out of me now because I only have until July 'till I'm baptized."

I think I laughed for ten minutes.

At least she properly understands the meaning of repentance.