During the course of a conversation Blair and I were having about life the other day, I said, "Wow. Things seem to be feeling really good right now; more so than in a long time."
Blair, smiled, turned to me and said, "Don't ever say that aloud."
We don't want to tempt fate.
Approximately six and a half years ago, I sat in our living room, on our green fabric couch, on a Sunday evening and repeated something quite similar while relaxing with my little family.
"Things are just so perfect. I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life."
We had just found out a few days earlier that a baby boy would be joining us, and we were ecstatic. We had a new house, good jobs, a beautiful little 3 year old with spunk and we had each other.
We received the news that would eventually lead us to Deak's diagnosis about 48 hours later, one of the most difficult days of my life.
One must know bitter, in order to recognize the sweet...
I've had the opportunity lately to self-reflect. Different situations have allowed me to really dig down deep and decide for myself who I am, and what I stand for. I have found that I believe in more than I give myself credit for. I've also found that, as usual, I have a long way to go before I get to be the type of person I sincerely want to be. The circle of life has lead to me a momentary point of perfect hindsight; both personally and professionally. I recently accepted a new position at work and as I pondered my history, I recognized how each individual step I've taken has lead me to the place I am today. You know, sometimes we have those experiences that make us wonder and think "Really? What good came out of this crappy situation?" I feel privileged to understand the route I was given and am hopeful that I will rely on my past experiences to help guide me in my future endeavours. I feel lucky to be on the right path for me and for my family.
I feel so grateful to have had the experiences in my life that I've had. Yes, we've had our share of "bitter," but man...I understand and feel the sweet at such a greater level because of that. I only hope to do a better job of portraying this attitude to others, especially my children.
I am grateful for my Deak. I feel inadequate beyond measure on a daily basis, but I do try so hard to be the best mother I can be for him. I would change Deak's struggles and take away that little Ring Chromosome if I could, but I would not change him. He is not Ring 18. I am so lucky to look at him with a mother's eye, as I don't see his imperfections. I just see him...and my view is pretty sweet.
I am grateful for my Abby and her patience and tolerance for our chaotic life. I heard her chatting with a girlfriend the other day, talking about their self-coined "life-plans." Abby stated that she was going to "Go to college, get married, have 1 baby at 23 1/2, then continue college because I am going to be a pediatrician who specializes in special needs kids and also works in the NICU. Then, I am going to have 4 more babies; 3 girls and 2 boys."
My heart swelled with pride as I discovered how much of her "life-plan" mirrored my own history, and then had to quickly brush the tears away as she spoke about her goal to advocate and work with babies like her brother. I just love her so much.
I am grateful for my husband. I watched him lift our big 40 lb Deak up to the top of the slide at the playground last night, over and over and over again. It was a visual representation of the load he carries. Much has been required of this man, and he has responded with positivity and joy. He is the best example I know of unconditional love.
I guess, I needed to write this. I needed to put words to the spirit of happiness that has been running through my veins. I needed to document this sweetness and express my gratitude for it. Are things perfect? Far from it, but I am learning to not be afraid of what lies around the corner and instead focusing on what I can control and am feeling in the moment.
And right now, I feel good.
