Just Because.

Deakon has missed his Abby.

Abby passes in and out, on her way to school, dance, soccer, and friends' homes.

Deak and I wait patiently for the moments she gives us, and cross our fingers (or in Deakon's case, toes) that they will not include drama.

It was nice that Ab begged to sit by him at Tasty's today after her first game of the season. His eyes lit up and he began mimicking everything she did. He was included in her world, and it made his day.

On a different note, I remembered that there actually was a time when I used to sit by my husband at restaurants. I think it must've been a long time ago, because it seemed a tad tight on our end of the booth.

The First Step is Admitting you Have a Problem.

I have a problem.
Seriously.
I have had some experience working with drug users. I have seen what they do when they need a fix. I have been amazed at the extent of their sacrifice to get what they need to feel better.
I am there.
I woke up this morning, a work morning, and remembered that I didn't have any caffiene left in my fridge. (I had drank the last one around 11:00 the night before) I felt my heart flutter a bit.
"Crap...what am I going to do? I don't have time to stop."
Peace ensued when I remembered I had some cash in my wallet and I could buy a drink at work in the lounge.
I got to work, realized I had the wrong time for a meeting (a.k.a. I missed it), and saw my pile of clerical "to-do's" that didn't look fun. I knew it was going to be a long day. I walked Ab to class and then reached for my wallet. I basically sprinted into the lounge, put my money in the machine and pulled out my nice and WARM diet Dr. Pepper.
"What the Hell?"
I turned to my friend, a fellow addict, and said, "Do they seriously think we can make it all freaking day with warm drinks?" She just shook her head in agreement and felt my pain. She understands me.
This is when I began looking for a score. I grabbed all my $3 and started looking for a teacher who could leave and get me a drink. I stepped outside my office door and peered around the corner. "Aha, Tonya is here. She'll do it." Unfortunately, she was standing in the main office, right in front of my new Vice Principal. I didn't care...the risk was worth the reward. I quickly handed her my money and quietly said, "Go. Get me a drink on your prep. I can't make it - there's no way."
She whispered, "Okay, I will. But, I don't have one until 1:00."
"CRAP!" (I actually yelled this outloud, for all to hear.) "What am I supposed to do?"
Tonya said, "Just go Jenny. You have to. I'll get you another one at 1:00."
I then grabbed my purse and announced to our secretary, again in the main office, that "I have a problem, and have to leave. I can't do it anymore."
The panic in my voice was apparently very strong. Everyone inside the office turned to look at me with eyes popping out of their heads. I realized then that they probably needed to know that the problem was that I needed caffiene, not Herion. Oh well - whatever I did worked. The unanimous response was, "Go."
So the story ends. I am good now. I have my fix and I have conquered the first step. The problem now lies in the fact that I am most likely going to tell all the other steps to kiss off. Especially the one that says you have to quit.

The Bike.

There is a purple and pink bike in our garage sitting still. It was thrown down in a fury of tears after an hour of trying to overcome a fear that will not let go of its' hold yet. The neighbor kids are riding and to quote Ab, "They are all younger than me." But still...the fear remains. Ab has a tenancy to over think and create logic where childhood thoughts should still rule supreme. I know I passed this down to her- I hope it was passed genetically rather than passed based on her environmental observation of how I handle situations. At this point I cannot change what I have woven.

Abby came inside heartbroken and ready to quit forever. She said, "Mom don't you know I could break a leg doing this!" I don't know how to teach her that things in life don't always come as easily as they should, and she is the one who has to decide to work hard or sit in the dust of her peers. I want her to know I don't judge her based on her skills, but she seems to be judging herself. I see how her heart wants it, but her brain is stuck on that fact that she will inevitably fall. I tried to tell her that we all fall; in fact it is one of the only guarantees I can give her. The secret lies within our attitudes and our ability to endure getting up after the fall, time and time again. I am pretty sure that she thinks I am full of crap.

I tried really hard to work with her patiently; empathetically trying to understand her fear, but pushing her enough to keep trying. I would be lying to say I did a good job of this the entire time, I may have let the "Baby" word slip in a moment of frustration - but I really gave it my all.
Why is it that it is hardest to parent when you see yourself sitting in front of you 23 years later? She is me at this moment...afraid. She is afraid of falling, as I was when I was her age, but I am afraid of failing her.

We are still stuck. The bike is still in the garage. Abby even thought to ask in her prayers, "for Abby and Azelynn to forget how to ride their bikes, so I don't have to learn." A nice idea, but I told her that I didn't think Heavenly Father sometimes takes turns being a witch doctor.
She smirked.
Here's to tomorrow, or maybe next year... we shall see.

No Freaking Way.

So, we had heard from parents (all twelve of them)who have children with Ring 18 Syndrome, that we would notice the cognitive benefits of the growth hormone treatment within a few weeks. They told me the physical growth wouldn't appear for a few months. I kind-of thought, "Uh-huh. Sure, Deak will just "appear" smarter." Although, I secretly hoped.
A couple of days ago I bought a book at Walmart for Deak. The book has simple pictures (ie. Dog, duck, shoes, ball) and then a sidebar with buttons that have the same picture, and when pushed say what the picture is. We played a little with it Monday, and he loved the picture of the dog, and that was that.
Last night, I got out the book again to play with him. I began opening the pages and asking him, "Where's the car?" (His new favortie obsession). He turned, looked at me, and touched the button that said "car." My first thought was, "Very funny. That must've been a fluke." So, I did the same process with "shoes." Once again, he pushed the button for shoes - all on his own. I then looked at Deakon and said, "No Freaking Way Deakon." He smiled and we continued to do this for about 1/2 hour.
Later on that evening when we got home, I showed Blair. I thought it wouldn't happen again - things couldn't happen this fast. Deak did it again...and this time would initiate the buttons he wanted the page to turn to. Blair sat there with the same look of "No Freaking Way."
This morning, Deak did it again. This time for Jentry. He definetly prefers the car button and page...which is so funny. It is so freaking amazing to be able to "hear" him communicate to us. I have fought with doctors and therapists for the past two years, trying to explain to them that Deak is a whole hell of a lot smarter than they give him credit for...he just wasn't able to express it in a typical way. I think I'll let Deak tell them next round.

1st Grade

So I was a little worried Ab might be a little nervous for first grade. I thought she might cling a little, and want me to stay for a few minutes.

Wrong.

She thinks she's in High School. I was not permitted to take her picture in front of the school and had to sneak this one in the classroom.

Abby loves school - though not necessarily for the learning. She has cute little friends in her class and her teacher, Miss Hansen, is fantastic. She came home saying, "I love first grade. We had two recesses and we get three tomorrow. I got to eat a chicken sandwich and pickles." Abby even woke up at 6:30 the next morning so excited to go back.

I copied my friend Holly and had a few fellow first graders over after school for a surprise ice cream party. Ab was so excited and happy - most of the time. A party isn't a party at our house without a little drama :)

Overall, a good first few days. Although I did get a taste of what might be coming when actual schoolwork begins when Abby said, "Guess What? We read words in the morning, and I only do the easy ones. Then, you can get a book or magazine. And, I get the magazine because then you don't have to read."

She's an easiest route possible kind of girl.

Happy Birthday Blair.

Blair is older today...and most importantly, older than me.

Although I am all for cheesy speeches about loved ones; it is not really Blair's style. So, in his honor, a few interesting facts that make him pretty cool.

*Blair religiously wears his Notre Dame tie to church. On purpose. Just to make people wonder.

On that same note, he makes a point of mowing our lawn on Sunday at least once a year; and I quote, "Just to make sure people are sure I am not running for any sort of office." Interestingly enough, he is very learned about religion and knows way, way, more than me. He knows it because he wants to, not because he has to.

*I am pretty sure I have gotten a present for each of his birthdays. He knows it is very sacrificial for me to go shopping without buying something for me, and he lets me, and is happy about it. We even went to Mexican food for his birthday dinner, and he knows that is my favorite.

*Blair is extremely protective, and will always, no matter what, have my back. Period. It is sometimes a problem for him because he has a hard time listening to others' perspectives, when he feels I or the kids have been wronged in some way - but I would rather he err on our side :) I always feel safe when he's around.

*Blair wears his Chromosome 18 blue rubber band bracelet all the time.

*Blair loves to play. He and Abby beat each other up and irritate each other every night - all in the spirit of fun mostly. He loved coaching Drew's team last year, and would be awesome working with kids at anything. They naturally love him.

Sorry Babe. I think this may have turned out cheesier than anticipated. We love you.

Have a Great Day.

My Tag For Carly.

I don't typically do these things, but I love Carly and I thought this one was kind of interesting. I am afraid to rewrite what Carly wrote because I realized that I thought many of the same things. Here goes nothing.

I am: a wife and mother.
I think: way, way too much.
I know: not a lot about stuff, but some about life.
I want: to have all the clothes at Anthropologie (very materialistic, I know.)
I have: too much.
I dislike: onions and mean people.
I miss: California and old friends.
I fear: leaving my family.
I feel: pretty good, but typically tired.
I hear: the Olympics and Blair.
I smell: the stinky fish tank.
I cry: all the time, especially about anything to do with overcoming obstacles and my children.
I usually: think people are genuinely good.
I search: for peace.
I wonder: why crappy things happen to good little people at my school.
I regret: being unkind to others.
I love: my life.
I care: so much about my loved ones.
I always: check my email...rather compulsively.
I worry: that I spend too much money.
I am not: flexible (physically)...at all.
I remember: A lot, but yet I forget to put my car in park sometimes.
I believe: in faith.
I sing: in the car to songs I really like, with Deakon.
I don't always: cook dinner.
I argue: only when I feel it is necessary.
I write: because I love it, and have missed it in the past.
I win: when I need to.
I lose: only when I don't care.
I wish: I didn't worry so much about things.
I listen: to people for a living.
I am talented at: nothing. Seriously.
I can usually be found: with my family or friends.
I am scared: of everything; but mostly knives, fire and wind.
I need: more money and time.
I forget: lots of stupid things, but not important things usually.
I am happy: when I look at Deakon and Abby.

I tag any of you.