My little blue Deak.
I spent a few moments last night sending an email to a family I don't know. Their unborn son has been given a similar prognosis as we were given about Deak, and they are not expecting him to live. My heart ached for them, and naturally, my mind flashed back to the moments and feelings I experienced when I was told about Deak; and I still cannot process how I made it through those weeks.
This picture was taken right after he was born. It is the only one we have. They took him away from me without allowing me to touch him; when I needed from the depths of my being to touch this baby boy whom I thought I would never meet. This picture has always been something that has been tough for me to look at. I had so much hope for Deakon, but I was also filled with such a tremendous amount of panic.
I remember seeing him and wondering why he was blue. He didn't cry, and I needed so badly for him to cry.
I remember asking, "Why isn't he crying?" and the nurses giving me hesitant answers of, "He's fine...don't worry."
I remember my doctor trying to privately tell the nurse that I was having a "handicapped baby." After which I thought, "No. He's just my baby."
I remember the sense of peace I felt when the nurse told me in my recovery room that his Apgar scores were "9's." That was the first time I let myself feel...and the tears began to stream.
I remember the joy I felt after my doctor fought his way into the NICU and demanded I be allowed to see and hold my son.
I remember touching his body and understanding that he was breathing on his own and relatively healthy. I knew I was now entrusted with this boy who had been one of God's best.
I remember hoping I could do it.
Sorry Folks. Who knew a "tag" could be so emotional for me?
I tag whoever.
7 comments:
And you are doing it! Thanks for making me cry...AGAIN.
Awesome post.. I need to show you a pic of Zoe...soooo Blue!! Deak's got a nice purple red hue going on...hard to believe when you look at that darling toe-head now!
Awesome post.. I need to show you a pic of Zoe...soooo Blue!! Deak's got a nice purple red hue going on...hard to believe when you look at that darling toe-head now!
Not only are you doing it, but mastering it! Deacon is so lucky to have you guys as parents. He chose you for a reason and with entries like this, you teach us all that even against all odds, we can come out on top!! Deacon is beautiful! Who would have known he was blue?
Hope I didn't wreck you for the whole day. Thanks for sharing, isn't it amazing how far he has come and where the journey has taken you? You hoped you could do it, and just like Kelly said...you have mastered it!
You are amazing...and so is your little guy! it was fun seeing you at the Utah game!
You're doing an awesome job with that cute little guy. Good for you for taking a pic and having one. I refused to do it with Emma--still have mixed feelings about it. Anyhow--I loved seeing Deakon eat all that pizza at Chuckie Cheese.
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