New Life.

Last night, I got to hold a brand new baby.
He is perfect.
Jet black hair, dark eyes, olive skin, and cheeks ripe for pinching and kissing.

I found myself lingering longer than I had intended. I obviously enjoyed the company of my friend, and a conversation that mediated somewhere in between Wheel of Fortune and balancing work and motherhood. But, really...I didn't want to leave the tiny little body that so willingly let me cradle and rock him.

"Do you know? Do you know what a miracle it is to have this boy? ... to have him come out with everything working? It just is so amazing."
I just spurted it out...right after we had discussed if the Bowl Game was being shown on her TV.

She shook her head yes, knowing the significance that statement had meant in regards to my experience with Deak. I knew she understood.
I tried to contain my tears, and avoid an uncomfortable silence by quickly changing the subject, and soon enough we were discussing the ugliness surrounding sleepless nights.

As mothers, we understand the beauty of childbirth. The moment that child bearing your blood is breathing his own air, that is it...we are in love. That love changes you...and can change history. We learn to write our own rules and push boundaries we vowed we'd never have to. Love is funny like that.

During my annual life "reflection" I like to call my Birthday, I have been thinking about a decision I made after Abby had just turned two:
I had just graduated from my Graduate program and been involved in a series of very tumultuous and politically-minded dead-end interviews with School Districts.
I went through at least twelve interviews in the first district, several of them requiring second and third appearances. I watched positions given to people who I knew really didn't want to help anyone, they just wanted a ticket out of the classroom.
I felt defeated, and genuinely depressed for one of the first times in my life.
I had resigned to the idea that I was not going to be able to do what I loved, and nearly gave up. As a last ditch effort, I took an interview with a neighboring school district.
I loved this district. I loved their philosophy. I loved their culture. I loved that I would be able to work in a school where several languages were spoken, and different ideas were accepted and encouraged.
That interview took place on a Tuesday around 3:00pm. At around 9:00pm that same evening, as I sat at Kaysville Movie Theatre watching one of the first installments of Harry Potter, I received a phone call. This phone call was from a Principal at a school within the first district, with whom I had interviewed with at least one week earlier. I had assumed this job opportunity had long been offered to another.

He offered me a position, and it was half-time.

I thought of Abby.
Her cute round cheeks and big eyes full of spunk and adventure. She had survived my years through Graduate school and following internship hours. I just wanted to give her a little bit of me back.
But, my heart broke a little inside. I knew that by doing so, I was going to have to turn down my dream job; it was full time.

The following couple of years ended up becoming the two most difficult years of my life. Tears, miracles, and unexpected blessings - one of which came in the form of my present place of employment.

I often wonder what good I would've done at my "dream job." I miss working with the youth and the opportunities for growth I may have found while there, but I do not regret my choice.
I made it with my heart.
I did it for her.