My daughter asked me what "immodest" meant today after picking her up from school.
I sat there a second, looked at my gorgeous, pure, little girl and her darling outfit, and knew instantly why she had asked.
This morning we had a little bit of "Spring Fever" in our home, and I told Ab she could wear her cute new Easter shorts, new flip-flops, and a sleeveless shirt.
Hence, the immodesty question.
In my usual rational fashion (ha ha...), I immediately questioned her as to which friend told her she looked immodest - to no avail. She wasn't going to tell me this one. So, I laid off a bit on the NYPD Blue character and let her know the definition of modesty. I said that one might choose to wear clothes that don't show a lot of our private skin areas. I told her that her arms were not private skin, and she looked beautiful. I let her know that I would buy her clothes that I felt were modest and appropriate for her. A little while later I explained some about why I choose to wear the clothes I do, and I why I feel it is important to be modest.
But, I was pissed. Not at the child who used the term, but at the parent who failed to teach it appropriately.
Modesty is value I want to instill in my daughter, but more importantly, I want to teach her that what feels comfortable for her is okay, even though it might be different for another person. I want her to make choices due to her value system and comfort level, and not due to a religious set of rules one might be deemed to obey in order to be a good church going member. It is such a fine line really; a line that is crossed too often around here. A line that leads to judgement of others' levels of worthiness, and un-invites to neighborhood barbeques.
I know that I screw up a lot as a parent, and I know some of you will disagree with my opinion on this topic. I also know that I am not worthy enough to ever judge an other's intent of heart by looking at their arms.
Arms much like my six year old daughter"s.
Arms which were apparently cause for chastisement after eating her chicken nuggets at lunch.
Really, people...that's not what my value system is about.
14 comments:
Oh man, don't get me started on this subject. I couldn't agree more with you and will refrain from typing my opinion on the matter or it would be a novel. I will say, what about the things that really matter such as honesty, being kind and accepting, non-judgemental...the things that will actually get one somewhere in life? If my girls can focus on those important things, in their shorts and tank tops, I will be forever proud.
I could not agree more. Seriously. Well said.
AGREED.. Well said. I love you and Abby's sleeveless arms... That outfit is so DANG cute... and very modest... at least from what I was taught as modest.
I did not see the outfit, but I am sure it was gorgeous. At the risk of raging on this topic, I think you are right on. It seems to me the lesson that needs to be taught here, is to the girl who made the comment. She needs to be taught, not to judge other people and to worry about herself. Her parents are the one's that have failed. You get it!
I have had this same issue come up with Kendalyn and Adri and it makes my heart break that other kids tell my kids that they are immodest when they don't even know the word - it made Adri feel like something was wrong with her. I love what you told her about her arms - I am going to use that the next time it comes up - because I am sure it will with summer coming up:)
Pretty crappy that you have to deal with this stuff. Once again, well written.
I am NOt the best person to comment on this. I think you handled it great and I don't believe there is gospel law as to what the fine line is. At my brothers spring wedding last year we had to go to great lengths to add cap sleeves to the flower girl dresses ages (2-5), because one mom believed the sleeveless look was immodest. It was hard to keep my mouth shut and respect her opinion realizing one of us wasn't right and one of us wasn't wrong.
I completely agree with you. I dress my girls in cute summer dresses for church and I know that others do not see the dress as cute, it is showing too much skin. Some parents make their kids wear T-shirts under the dress but I do not see the big deal when they are young. Maybe I should not look at it so lightly but they are little. I know I mess up plenty too. I just keep trying to do something right.
I totally agree with you Jen. I also have two beautiful girls who LOVE to dress up in the cutest clothes. OF COURSE we as parents aren't parading our children around in "teeny bopper" clothing... but seriously.... shorts, tanks, flip flops. ALL DAY... EVERYDAY. Especially in the summer. Nothing wrong with it. Kaiya had a similar experience last year with someone at school telling her she was immodest (She was wearing a tank dress). It totally hurt her feelings because she is the sweetest, most pure of heart girl I know and what she wears DOES NOT define who she is.
Again... your post was right on, well written, and I totally agree.
Jen, I don't even want to get started on this. I had never realized that sleeveless was an issue for little kids until I had Abbie. When she was about 6 months old we went swimming with some cousins and my 4 year old neice proceeded to tell me that my baby was immodest because she wore a bikini. Give me a break. From this point on we get criticism whenever we go to a family function in anything sleeveless. It drives me crazy. I want my girls to learn to act modestly, not just follow a list of rules. There is nothing wrong with a 6 year old in a sleeveless shirt!
Put her in a bikini, you a tube top, and go teach a "counselor lesson" to her class, that'd be fun!
There is a great video on lds.org, featuring President Monson, dealing with this very subject. It is about a YW presidency who was asked a question about modesty by their young women. Instead of giving them a "rule" (because one didn't exist) they asked them to pray and ponder about it and come up with their own rule for themselves.
I have had the same issue. Brea had a cute black leotard that was sleeveless and there was one girl that continued to scold her about not being modest every time she wore it! Great Post!
[Applause!] A parent that actually gets is- what a nice change! Not that I'm at all surprised.
Could you please write a book on parenting and I'll push legislators to draw up a bill that forces future and current parents to read it?!
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