Or, maybe years.
Regardless, life is hard.
Today, I've decided I suck at being a parent.
When Abby maybe reads this as a adult and hopeful parent...I want her to know the truth.
Parenting is hard, and I screw up a lot.
I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I try, and try and try. I reinforce positive things, spend quality one on one time, enforce consequences, show emotion, give her, probably too many, opportunities to state her feelings and opinions...all that jazz.
But, sometimes I feel like I just should give up.
Abby is at home today, due to another meltdown (this time about her typing homework...which should have been done last night, but wasn't...I told you I suck.)
Lately, it feels like I can't do anything right - and I couldn't take anymore.
I have so much guilt about the move, and not having our own home, and the lack of friends around for Abby to play with. I have absolutely NO clue as to where she, or her brother are going to school next year. We can't buy a house, nor can we get into a lease without our renters extending theirs on our pre-bulldozed home about six months. I don't have a lot of control, and I feel like I'm losing my mind.
And, it breaks my heart because I feel like I've created this mess.
I should've been smarter with my money.
I should've had savings when we had Deak.
I should've chosen to stay home full time, rather than work part time.
Should've. Should've. Should've.
And, on top of that I got to deal with some extremely painful leg cramps, unlike I've ever experienced due to my freaking brain this past weekend.
Yay me.
If you see me on the side of the road, curled up in the fetal position drinking a whole lot more than diet coke...at least now you'll know why.
The End.
(And, if you've read this before I inevitably delete it...I'm sorry for the lack of positivity...things will get better.)
8 comments:
I love it when you keep it real! We all have days like this, but rarely do we say it. I'm glad you posted this, cause I've had similar feelings in the past. Sometimes, it feels like as soon as you get back up from one trial, another comes along and knocks you down flat and it's just a vicious, never-ending cycle. And....it always seems like there are others around without a care in the world or a problem to tackle. I wish I had the perfect words to make it better, but I don't. Just know I understand the days of frustration and asking why!! And.....stupid MS....sorry you're having cramping. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
Sorry...hugs to you...
Honey, your kids have food, shelter, and more importantly very loving parents. That's better than a lot kids get. So there are some transitions coming in your kids life, you can't help that, they'll adjust. If you really sucked at parenting as you say, you wouldn't be evaluting yourself and trying to do better. None of us is perfect, but you seem especially self-critical. Knock it off!! ;P
First off, I know from experience that YOU are NOT a bad parent!!!! In fact, you are a superior one! You love your kids unconditionally, and sometimes that's all we can do. I feel like a terrible parent more often than not and I know you're better at it than me :)
I'm so sorry that you are going through all this, I really wish there were something I could do to make it better. Really.
Seriously, if you think this is tough. You should try being the child of an addict/alcholic....Oh Yea, that short term memory thing again:)Jenny, you are an incredible mom, sister, daughter, wife,and friend. Shit Happens, Real courage is knowing your challenges and walking through them anyway. YOU DO THIS BETTER THAN ANYONE I KNOW!!!! Saddle Up, move on, it will get better:) I LOVE YOU, DAD:)
Ditto to Candice. We all have should'ves, but too bad you can't predict the future! But I know those days. I had Lily honestly convinced that I was leaving Finn on our walk yesterday because I was halfway convinced that we'd all be better off if I abandoned him on the side of the trail. Not nice... And sad that my daughter asks frequently, "Mom, are you still feeling mad?" And that my reply is often YES! Sad, sad sad
oh Jenny, am sending so many hugs, so much strength. You are taking the world on with your own small army and it all feels terrible but somehow, somewhere there's an end to the crappy stuff.
keep having good days, bad days, and letting us all help you cry or laugh even as we tell you you're not along.
xx
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