Not okay.

I sat in a meeting for my Deak, at his school, this past Friday.

"We are concerned for his safety a lot, because honestly we as staff are scared of a few of the kids in this room."
"When he cries, you know if he gets hurt, he is really hard to console."
And as far as positive comments:
"As far as progress, well...he cries less now."
Really? How about his laughing and talking and walking and crawling?

This is what I listened to for a good forty-five minutes. Really.
It was as if they were talking about some alien child I had never met. I am pretty sure that if I was concerned for my safety, I would cry too...and hurt? I had never been told once when picking Deak up that he had gotten hurt.
Oh....and there is more....but, my heart can't take it anymore this weekend.

I sat there in full mother armour, heart in pocket, with a painted, plastic face and pretended I was sympathetic to their needs as preschool teachers.
I am not. They signed up for this job. They should do it. They should love it.
I wanted to punch them in their faces.
As far as they know, I left happy; content with the direction we were heading with Deak and his Special Education preschool program.

They don't know how hard I cried when I left.

They don't love my Deak, in fact, afterwards I wondered if they even liked him. This is a place I had willingly been taking my son 3-4 afternoons a week in an attempt to better his life. I can't help but think I've made a horrible choice. This mother guilt thing that comes with the territory has completely lost its' sense of balance and I've beat myself up pretty badly.
But, for now, all I can do is move forward, find a new school that hopefully does not cost tens of thousands of dollars, and hope Deak is happy his last few weeks of school.

It is just never, ever okay to hear and feel these things. Ever.
It is absolutely the hardest part of having a child with special needs.
Not the doctors, or surgeries, or lack of communication.
It's this.
The people who forget that Deak is a child. My child. And, he has the right to learn and feel safe and feel loved...regardless of whether or not it requires a little more effort to carry him and walk him in his walker.

Really, how can Deak not be loved? I just don't understand it.