At least, that's where I feel I've left my heart.
My boy started preschool today.
My boy who wasn't supposed to live hours after his birth.
My boy who wasn't supposed to have anything to offer this world.
My boy.
It is inevitable each time Deak hits any particular milestone, that I travel down the path I've ridden with him. As I sat in my car, driving as slowly as possible, Deakon traveling with his cute babysitter in the car behind me, I couldn't help but have those tears. Those tears that cry,
"Damn you people. Damn you for taking away my hope. Damn you for causing heartache that encompassed my entire soul. Damn you for saying he "can't." Those tears, for the tears I cried three and a half years ago.
"Damn you people. Damn you for taking away my hope. Damn you for causing heartache that encompassed my entire soul. Damn you for saying he "can't." Those tears, for the tears I cried three and a half years ago.
I have been on pins and needles the past few days; attempting to push any thought of Deakon going to preschool out of my mind. If it came, so did the tears, and I couldn't take an entire weekend full of them. My mind was put to ease some as I sat with Deak's teacher this afternoon. She was so kind to give up some of her lunch time to help nurse an aching mother's heart. Deak was happy, but then again, he always tries hard to be happy. Upon meeting his teacher for the first time, he sat on the floor, turned in a circle with his feet, and reached for her arms. She lifted him and he stood in between her knees and smiled as he bounced. I knew he would be okay. The other children began arriving and I was stunned at their gargantuan size...I felt as if I was handing Deakon over to a class of fourth graders. Deakon didn't seem to mind.
Deak will be okay. My heart will heal, and it will get better. Deakon will eventually attempt to color his name for longer than two seconds before eating the marker, and I have a hunch he just might be walking to the door when I pick him up before he's finished there.
Day One...Complete...let the healing ensue, and the learning begin....
8 comments:
Look at Him!!! I bet you are so proud. What a beautiful little boy!
this made me cry! what a good mom you are jenny. i am so glad to know you and Deak!! Goodluck little buddy! You'll do great...
Oh, I have the chills, I am so proud of him! What a huge step that could not be made without all the countless hours you have devoted to him. He is lucky to have you as his Mommy.
Good job to BOTH of you - he looks like he's in heaven there:)
AS I READ THIS POST, I THOUGHT ABOUT THOSE TEARS AND A FEW THOUGHTS CAME TO ME. FATHER IN HEAVEN, THANK YOU FOR THIS CHILD WHO WAS NOT GIVEN A CHANCE. THANK YOU FOR HIS CONTINUED HEALTH. THANK YOU FOR HIS SWEET SPIRIT THAT IS A BEACON TO ALL OF US. BLESS THOSE WHO DID NOT BELIEVE IN MY GRANDSON, THAT THEY MAY LEARN FROM HIS LIFE. THANK YOU FOR THE SPIRITUAL STRENGTH OF HIS MOTHER, AMEN. LOVE, GRANDPA (The spirit manifests itself in old people, I must be getting old:-)
Oh, I so wish he could be in my preschool class! Or at least at our early childhood center (since I mostly do title one).
Oh my gosh, though, you both are such an inspiration to Emarie and I. I get the same way when I think she will be going to preschool a year from December! At least she will be near me though!
Hugs to you and Deak!
Alisha and Emarie
oh so hard, but oh so good! Look at his smile! He's been waiting for this! And you are doing great 'best mom in the world"!
Miss you lately! Poo on no more summer!
That Deak is going to be the star of his class. What a good mother he has, your patience and faith.
Also, I am extremely intrigued by those headphones!!! Emma has her share of sensory issues--terrified of the Kaysville Parade! We've done ipods with her own music blasting to block out the unwelcomed noise, but those look awesome! So glad you found a solution.
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