Just in case...

...You were wondering.
I have happened to learn a few things over the past month.
Some about myself, and most well...have been at the very least, interesting.

1. In Elementary school, it is perfectly acceptable to wear your pants at a height some may consider "wedgable." It is also completely okay to chew on your belt if you're hungry.

2. Most of the time elementary kiddos are extremely complimentary (ie. "You look like a princess in your high heels" etc.). If taken to heart, one might actually begin to believe she actually is a princess, and could lead to all kinds of complications in one's marriage (not that I know this personally). Thank goodness, once every six years there's a child who dumps a cold bucket of reality on you by saying, "Ah...Mrs. Howe...I wasn't going to tell you this, but I am. You're fat." I guess she could tell I needed some humbling.

3. Apparently second graders do Algebra now. My daughter brought a math worksheet home for homework last night. Ummm...it contained "X's," "Y's" and solving for the missing variable. Second grade? I'm totally screwed when she starts bringing home calculus in fourth grade. Math is not my subject; just take a look of the nice job I've done with my budgeting. Anthropologie purse + Groceries/Gas = Negative Balance.

4. Kids don't always think it's cool if you like Miley Cyrus. They just kind-of think you're an old fat freak. On a related note...if you go to Boyz to Men, and get the comment of, "Wow. You are so awesome to STILL be going to concerts"...it is not a testament to your youth.

5. Freezer meals are great in theory. Someone forgot to tell me that they take HOURS to cook. I spent the better portion of last weekend making many, many square and rectangular shaped meals. Sure, I am kind-of glad to have food to feed my family this week(let's face it, the cereal supply has been understocked) - but, I had to work my ass off to get them here. I want freezer meals that are not cooked by me.

6. Where was my opportunity to become a Magician's assistant in high school? I recently was cut into pieces by a magician (that oddly resembled Job...for any Arrested Development peeps) during a school assembly. My popularity increased tenfold. Everyone suddenly knew my name, and made special visits to "talk" with me/coerce me to release the details (of which I will not do)...but, let's just say...it was not an easy thing to fit into a 1 ft by 3 ft compartment and be spun around and chopped at with real sharp swords. I will also add that I was given the compliment of, "Wow. You could really do this for a living" by magician Job. I would consider it if it weren't for the fishnet stocking requirement...I have been told I'm fat recently.

7. I eat like hell. I know I've stated that before, but really, it is disgustingly true. I have at least 7-8 diet cokes a day (beginning with the drive to work), sometimes a heavy one (with sugar) to take the edge off in the evenings, and typically don't eat much else other than the bag of swedish fish or sour patch bites I hide in my drawer at work. In fact, right now, as I am typing this, I am eating my second Tasty's donut of the day. Hence, the reasoning behind the comment in #2, and the food preparation in #5.

So, take them for what it's worth. Hopefully these experiences will come in handy the next time you're dissed by an eight year old, craving a meal made of ice, or asked to be cut in two.
You're welcome.