It Came Back.

So, I haven't blogged a lot lately.

Yea, I have been busy...but, more importantly; I have been discouraged.

I don't like it when I feel that way, and I didn't want to spread the "gloom."
But, today, as I have felt the stresses and issues beginning to be more than I wanted to handle, I sat down to write and ... a few things happened.

The Issues.

1. The "Preschool" lady came to our home a couple of weeks ago to visit with me about Deakon's future services with Special Education. Deakon turns three in May, and the thought of him going to preschool frightens me to death. I came into this meeting with huge reservations, knowing that a five minute "lookey-lou" at my son, would give this woman no information on his level of ability to function in a preschool classroom. Let's just say, my reservations were not in err.

After hearing that my son had "severe" needs, and just "might do best" in a classroom where only children with severe needs belong, I began to feel extremely protective and enraged. What in the HELL does a woman who saw my son lying on the floor, falling asleep (after having three appointments that morning), and playing quietly know about my son's needs? So, after biting my tongue on a few occasions, (especially when I was told that "if my son is as smart as you say he is, then we won't have a problem"), grilling the idiot on what testing she was using to assess my son's cognitive ability, watching her face grimace when she began to realize that A. I actually knew what the hell I was talking about and B. She wasn't going to see me back down, I retreated and let her leave (without walking her to the door.) This is going to be a long couple of months. Just when I think I have won the battle with his growth hormone treatment, another more meaningful battle ensues. Although I am sure it is going to be uphill for a while; I am in for the long haul.

2. The economy sucks. It's been very humbling for me to see that education and experience don't always provide the guarantees of a comfortable lifestyle that I once longed for. Blair and I are both still very grateful to be employed, but are feeling some of the effects, as we all are, none the less. We have made choices, some of which probably could've been better, but have done the best we could considering our circumstances and priorities. Who would've known that two months after moving into our affordable home, I would be given life-changing news about our expectant son, and our lives, financial life included, would be forever changed? I certainly didn't expect it, and have developed a strong desire to be better prepared in the future. I definitely have learned how quickly life can change. We are trying to sell our home, in hopes that we will be able to do a better job saving, and downsize our lives and expenses. I have been trying my best to keep up with the constant showings, and feel comfortable that it will eventually work out.

The Motivation.

1. This Kid. (Quick shout - out to DJ Lance.)

I really thought things were crappy this morning. He knew it - he understands me, and his sweet little heart, holes and all, wanted to help me feel better.

"Ah La Ya."

It came back.

He told me three times this morning and smiled very sweetly.
He hasn't said it since, but that's okay.
It's all I needed.

2. This Kid.

We got out the bike, she hopped on, and rode.

The riding was only occasionally interrupted with bouts of frustration, and she totally has the hang of it.

It was awesome, and I am so proud.

3. This Sweet Girl.

She and her parents are amazing.

Emily is now a sweet angel who I believe gets to watch over my Deak and all of our other friends with Ring 18 Syndrome. After spending some time talking with her mom today, I feel stronger and better - more grateful for what I have, what my son can do, and my faith.

Through my discouragement, frustration, and sadness these past couple of weeks, I have gained more strength. It always, always, seems that every time I am down; it is just because I want to be there. I am the only one who can choose to think positively, and keep fighting. That is what I am determined to do.