Not okay.

I sat in a meeting for my Deak, at his school, this past Friday.

"We are concerned for his safety a lot, because honestly we as staff are scared of a few of the kids in this room."
"When he cries, you know if he gets hurt, he is really hard to console."
And as far as positive comments:
"As far as progress, well...he cries less now."
Really? How about his laughing and talking and walking and crawling?

This is what I listened to for a good forty-five minutes. Really.
It was as if they were talking about some alien child I had never met. I am pretty sure that if I was concerned for my safety, I would cry too...and hurt? I had never been told once when picking Deak up that he had gotten hurt.
Oh....and there is more....but, my heart can't take it anymore this weekend.

I sat there in full mother armour, heart in pocket, with a painted, plastic face and pretended I was sympathetic to their needs as preschool teachers.
I am not. They signed up for this job. They should do it. They should love it.
I wanted to punch them in their faces.
As far as they know, I left happy; content with the direction we were heading with Deak and his Special Education preschool program.

They don't know how hard I cried when I left.

They don't love my Deak, in fact, afterwards I wondered if they even liked him. This is a place I had willingly been taking my son 3-4 afternoons a week in an attempt to better his life. I can't help but think I've made a horrible choice. This mother guilt thing that comes with the territory has completely lost its' sense of balance and I've beat myself up pretty badly.
But, for now, all I can do is move forward, find a new school that hopefully does not cost tens of thousands of dollars, and hope Deak is happy his last few weeks of school.

It is just never, ever okay to hear and feel these things. Ever.
It is absolutely the hardest part of having a child with special needs.
Not the doctors, or surgeries, or lack of communication.
It's this.
The people who forget that Deak is a child. My child. And, he has the right to learn and feel safe and feel loved...regardless of whether or not it requires a little more effort to carry him and walk him in his walker.

Really, how can Deak not be loved? I just don't understand it.

Blahness Override.

Guess what...?
Right after I wrote the post yesterday, a darling parent of a child I work regularly with said to me with tears in her eyes,
"I just want you to know that we pray thanks for you every single night for being in our lives."
Little did she know how badly I needed those prayers and words.
Then, when I thought it couldn't get better...the principal of the school I work at, and the school Abby goes to, let me know that she had watched Abby make room and offer to share a seat (one seat stool, to be exact) with another little girl who couldn't find a place to sit in the lunchroom. No one even asked her to.
The thought of those two tiny bums squeezed together on one stool, due to my sweet girl's kind heart... made me double happy.
Those little tiny acts of kindness...I promise, they go a long, long way.
It was impossible to be unhappy after that.

Blah.

That sums up my mood.
I know, I preach the positivity vibe all too often on this blog.
But, let's be honest. I don't practice it ALL.THE.TIME.
It's just not reality.
The interesting part is that I understand I am making a conscious choice to be filled with blahness; I have reflected to the point of exhaustion and basically, I just don't really give a crap.
I played Norah Jones as I drove to work today as an attempt to add some peace to my mind. I found myself laughing cynically and beginning imaginary fights with the people whom the lyrics described as romantic.
Ah...romance. That was a lovely time. But, not the season of life at the moment.
I think Jay-Z and his 99 problems are a little more up my alley today.
I always up for a vicarious f bomb and loud bass.
Plus, Deak will be happy with the song choice...he was a getting a little fed up with Norah himself.

Easter 2010

Although I am not quite sure of the reasoning, be it age or the fact that I am working a little more outside of the home this year, but for whatever reason...I truly have enjoyed every second of the Holiday and the time I've spent with my family.

My kids are just at great ages. Ab is turning into this awesome mature young girl, and Deak is discovering new ways to be independent every single day.

To sum it up...I just feel very content.

This past Easter weekend was wonderful. I love when Easter weekend and our General Conference weekend coincide. There is just something so special about hearing the words of my Prophet while sitting with my loves. We shared the time with family, celebrated my gorgeous mother's birthday and I even continued a tradition of making a yummy orange-honey glazed ham. I am most proud of this tradition because it is one of the few that I have began with my little family. Abby even asked if "we were going to have the ham this year."
A few of the Highlights:

Howe Easter BBQ and Hunt

Gma Payne's Birthday

Egg Dying

Easter Zhu's Zhu's (Deak tried to steal them...and has continued to, all week!)

Easter Morning


Payne Fam Easter Hunt and Dinner


(Yes, I needed my bangs cut...desperately.)

He LOVED putting eggs in his basket. His first year to do it independently...it was lovely. I cried lots.

Abby loves these butterfly nets...Blair thinks they can be used as a weapon more often than not.

I mean, how could one not have a great time? What an awesome weekend.