Denial.

One can live a perfectly content life in denial.

We know those people...the ones who push their problems under the carpet and go to the grocery store to stock up on Cream of Chicken Soup. They always are smiling, but you can see, if you look closely, the thick layer of daily make-up it must require to get to that place. But, to them, the make-up is easier than feeling pain. In the land of denial, one can sit back, relax and feel okay with externalizing the hand life has dealt them.

I admit to being envious of those people at times.
Moments I wanted to pretend that Deak is just a typical three year old.
Short moments that can only last as long as a Yo Gabba Gabba episode.
Because - when you deal with reality...it requires effort. And quite frankly, I am a little tired.

There was a time when my hopes for Deak were based around he fitting in with his peer group and developing in a way society deems socially appropriate. As he has grown, I have learned how naive those expectations once were. Not because they are impossible, but because they aren't important. He is important, not society and not his friends. My dreams for Deak now involve him growing to be the happiest he can be, and becoming self-reliant. I believe it is my job to facilitate those dreams by providing as many opportunities for him as I know how, to create his own happiness.

But, it was not easy to change dreams.
It is a heart-breaking, gradual, work in progress. It is a process that has incorporated countless episodes of middle of the night tears, and moments where it has felt like reality has decided to take a strong arm to my gut. And, my gut was pretty bruised to begin with.

I am scared for Deak to go to school. Scared out of my freaking mind. I believe that the dreams and hope, although somewhat altered, I have for my son are real, and will happen. I want to keep them safely bubbled around his cute little head of white-blond curls. I don't want it to be burst by people who think it is okay to live in denial.

Hope is what I have.
That's it. No textbooks, or theories, or checklists.
Hope that has required more than I knew I could do, faith and patience....LOTS of patience.
I'm not giving it up.
Watch out Preschool Teachers.