Cup and Show.

That's it.

That is all my son wants right now...A drink and "Yo Gabba Gabba."

And basically, he is kind-of being a butt-head about it.

We started using a picture-based communication system with him recently. We thought this would allow him to feel a little less frustrated, and we would be able to know what he wants, without him having to scream for it. Since I have begun working a little harder at implementing it at home...his verbal skills have totally disappeared, and not because they are forgotten. I pretty much think he wonders why in the world he would try to talk when he can point to a picture, say "Ah" and get things handed to him. Each time the cards are pulled out he responds by hitting the "Cup" and "TV" card. When we ask him if he wants a drink and show...he always says, "Ah." (As in...you stupid idiots....that is all I ever want....leave me in my peace....put food/drink in range of motion, not requiring lots of effort....and I will be cool all freaking day.) He hasn't ever been one to go the extra mile just for kicks, he is usually pretty chill to sit back and let everyone else do the work. So...pictures just happen to fit fabulously into his scheme.

Many of you who know me, know that I am not really one to let him get away with his laziness. Unfortunately for him, he has a perfectionist for a mother, and also unfortunately for him, I tend to stew about things until they are resolved. Over the past couple of days I have probably spent a good amount of hours saying, "MaMa" in an attempt to get him to say something back. Last night, while saying "MaMa" fourteen million times a couple inches away from his face, like a crazy person, he finally put his little lips together and said it back.

He then doubled over with laughter, and a smirk that was probably deserved of a butt-whooping.

A few more examples of his evil plan to get the world to do all the hard work for him:

*While at his newly introduced and very fun Kindermusik class this past Monday, he was given some sticks to bang together. Deakon loves banging...bangs all the time at home. Well, at class he decided to be more interested in eating the instruments, which would've been okay, except for the fact that if I stopped banging my sticks together for a millisecond, he would hit my leg, and yell..."Ah!" (aka: get working lady.)

*He was a terror at therapy today...again. Nothing was okay with him. He just wanted to scream and yell and piss everyone off. He did actually do some of the work, he just yelled the entire time. (It also doesn't help that the Golden Child of Goodness happens to have therapy in the same room, at the same time. I think his mother must think I am a certifiable.)

*He recently was assigned a new physical therapist to come to our home, and he is working her over like there is no tomorrow. He is not dumb...he has had therapists coming to our home since he was three months old. He knows exactly why they're there, and he knows it involves work. So, upon meeting the new one, he played real innocent, grabbed her hand and proceeded to make her push all of the buttons on his toy. When she tried to get him to push a button, he would simply just grab her hand and make her do it. She responded by saying, "I think he and I will work well together." I agreed, but also thought..."Yep you will..especially if you do it all."

So, I know, you all are going to think I should cut him some slack. He's two...and two brings lots of tantrums. In fact, when Ab was two, all she wanted to do was hold her sippy, and watch Dora...so Deak aligns real well with what I already know.

But, truthfully, I don't think it would do him good; I won't allow him to cheat himself. For him, timing is crucial, and life is moving forward. My heart breaks, because I see daily how much harder he has to work, and he has worked so freaking hard to come as far as he has. And, that is why the Hiatus from life is not happening for him.

So, my Deak, you might not love it all now...but, when you read this as a grown man, I hope you understand that I pushed you because my whole heart is invested in you. My field of vision clearly sees the path you are capable of acheiveing, and I feel you are meant to offer truth to this world.

Sorry buddy...

Cops and Porn

These were two of the top headlines on MSN Mobile's Browser this morning...

1. Even Porn Industry being hit hard in our Economy. (Here for story)

2. "Paul Blart, Mall Cop" is top grossing movie in our country for second weekend in a row. (Review)

I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry.

A Dream.

When I was in third grade, I wrote an essay about Martin Luther King Jr. and his famous "I have a Dream" speech. My teacher entered it into some sort of national contest, and it was published in something nationally. I don't think the essay I wrote was particularly clever or enlightening, but it was passionate...as passionate as a 9 year old girl could be. I remember that while writing the speech, the words just flew onto the little cut-out of Dr. King's face; it was easy to write how I felt, when I had heard the words from a man who had opened my eyes.

Now, 20ish years later, my heart still flutters as I listen to the words spoken and recorded; the truth of a man who changed a little girl's heart that many years in the past, now resonates so deeply in my belief system today.

I believe one cannot view this world with "black and white" exactness... knowing that's easy for me to say, being as that I am a white, middle-class woman, with a good job, beautiful home, and ridiculous amounts of food available. When we are so closed-minded as to believe our views are the "only" views, we shut ourselves off from learning, and from experiences that will only most likely strengthen our core beliefs even further. I try to live my life in gray. I do my best to make conscious choices to listen before judgement, and make decisions based on fact and what I feel is right. I am thankful for parents who taught me to see beyond hell, fire, and damnation...and left me to discover, on my own, what I believe to be true about the world and the people in it. I have made mistakes, mistaken fallacies for truth, and have discovered, through these experiences, that as long as my heart is deeply invested, and at peace...I will be okay.

My dreams, now that I have grown some since third grade, are not so different from Dr. King.

I dream that my daughter will grow up in a world that will accept and love her for Independence and strong-will. I dream she will be able to discover what she finds to be true, love herself, and find the most joy in life from the relationships she keeps with others and God.

I dream of holding her babies.

I dream that my son will have an opportunity to show the world what he is made of. I dream that he will be taken seriously, and not patronized, for the path he chooses to lead as he becomes a man.

I dream of watching him grow old.

I read a headline somewhere today which stated, "Obama packs a suitcase full of HOPE for DC."

And, boy...he sure does.

To some he packs Hope that this change will bring some relief to a people who have done as much as they can do. For me, he brings a reality that Dr. King's dreams are coming true, which in turn allows me to have Hope that my dreams will come true as well.

Thank you Dr. King.

Loving...

*Watching Abby on her hands and knees mopping my wood floor like a pro. She was so helpful after a last minute showing required a real quick clean up. I LOVE that she LOVES to clean well.

*My one night get-away in Wendover that my husband planned last weekend(although we did need to make a change in the Hotel due to the fact that he had booked a meth lab/brothel.)I LOVED the concert, food, good friends, good conversation, and free RedBulls at the tables. The "Time-Out" couldn't have come with better timing.

*Yo Gabba Gabba and Go Diego Go. Without them, any sanity I have left would be lost.

*Abby choosing to cuddle with me and read last night, rather than watching a show for a minute. (Even though I was tired and needing space - the cuddles from her are priceless).

*Key Lime Pie from the DoDo, Tasty's, Artic Circle and where ever I venture tomorrow. They all tie together with good friends and family...I can't tell you all enough how much it means to have these moments with you.

*My Dad - for listening to me cry long enough and fixing my water heater.

*My Mom - for taking my children for the night. It was reaffirmed in those 24 hours that Deakon is a complete TWO year old:)

*A very sweet and kind woman in my neighborhood who listened to me whine and cry unexpectedly for a good 45 minutes, and did I mention Listen??

*Deak's plethora of therapists. They are so patient, kind, and positive - even when he is acting like a crazy person.

*Abby's new missing tooth. She now has a gap the size of California on top, and it makes her look so innocent...(notice I said, "look")

*That I knocked off quite a few items on my never-ending to do list yesterday: Thank-you's sent (40), my personal appeal to our insurance company completed and mailed, and a couple of other random applications sent out. Phew...

*That I am feeling much better and less burnt-out this week!!!

I Need a Time-Out.

Please somebody:
Put me in time-out.
I need a break.

No Sleep + No Money for Vacation + No money/Time for retail therapy + Work + No Hot Water in my shower + Being 30 + Yucky Winter Weather + No Exercise + Eating like Hell ( I brought a giant bag of Swedish Fish, a box of Sour Patch kids, a bag of skittles, and a diet pepsi to work with me) + an overall really crappy attitude = Someone who is prone to yelling, crying, and gaining weight.

It's not a pretty thing, and it getting ridiculous.

It came, and went, and now I'm old.

Yea, I know: It's a picture of a shirt.

But, it just happens to be a representation of what I have become...

OLD!

You can't kid yourself into thinking that the shirt does not look like something your grandmother might wear. It is pretty; it has flowers, it's purple, and it is loose and forgiving of any extra cupcakes.

The problem is, I like it. I even wore it. And, I'll wear it again.

So, if that's not further proof to document my age - this might be....

My friends were so nice:)

Actually, they really were. They decorated my doorstep at the crack of dawn, took me to lunch and a movie, gave me lots and lots of candy, and spending $ for the mall.

I was so spoiled by them, and it meant a lot to be remembered.

My very nice husband also let me sleep in, made me breakfast, gave me a new purse, and kept my friends' endeavors secret. He got to spend time with the rascals, while I tried to forget my age.

My parents and sisters made my day with their "blog posts" for me. They were all so sweet and thoughtful, and I feel so blessed to have them all around to protect me.

On the other hand, my dad called to wish me a happy day, and told me not to worry, I wasn't that old because I was born "a middle aged woman."

So sweet.
My parents took all of us to Texas Roadhouse (again, I know, I like it) and I got to sit on a saddle while the entire resteraunt yelled "YeeHaw!"

It made Abby's life complete to see my face red; Deakon did cry for me though.

I then got to eat yummy cake and icecream and open gifts.

The entire day was awesome, and it helped an old lady feel pretty special.

And...just when I thought I was still maybe, a little young - The Relief Society President in my Church called to ask me to teach a lesson on "Mothering" for her in church. In my mumbling and trying to get out of it, I said, "Well, don't you think I am too young? There are a lot of more experienced people don't you think?"

Her reply, "Oh NO NO NO. You are plenty experienced."
I guess she saw me in my purple flower shirt last week.

The Sugar was Sweet.

I decided to take the meaning of "Sugar Bowl" literally.

It was a perfect way to celebrate an awesome night. After the first two touchdowns, I thought my husband was going to go into cardiac arrest. It was like Christmas for Blair and he couldn't get to sleep until 3:00am after the game. I also thought his fingers were going to go numb from texting his friends the entire game. (A considerable amount of those texts went to Alabama, where our Brother in Law rolls with the "Tide".)

This picture is so my life.

Abby giving me a dirty look, Deakon engrossed in a toy, and Blair pretending to do what I say and fake smiling.

On an unrelated note...

Deakon was so excited with the game/holidays, that he decided celebrating naked in his crib would be a great way to show his involvement. So, he figured out how to take off his diaper.(Seriously, I know I asked for it, but all the crazy crap he is beginning to pull is a little much :) Abby thought it was the most hilarious thing she has ever seen, and wanted to make sure I was going to wash "those nasty sheets his naked butt had been on."

Come on, who doesn't like a little naked celebrating?

And he's off...

We're moving forward...Quite Literally.

Or, at least that little guy is.

The countless hours of hard work Deak has put in at therapy over the past couple of months is showing its' due reward.

I first discovered this a few days ago when I had left Deakon in the front room sitting and peacefully watching Diego. When I returned, he was across the room (by the stairs actually - ugh!!), smiling and kicking. Thinking it was probably something that wasn't quite "perfected" yet, I made another parenting mistake and left him in my room for a moment while he sat on the floor watching "Yo Gabba Gabba" (Forgive me for not always wanting to watch his choice of television). Well, about two minutes later when I returned this time, he was across my bedroom and underneath my ironing board.

So...two close calls, and now I'm a believer.

I wish I had a better camcorder so I could show you how the moving happens...it isn't very traditional, although he does give it a good college try with the crawling. He gets up on all fours, rocks a a bit, moves his knees, and using his head as leverage - kind-of worms forward. He then rolls a couple times. It's kind-of a worm/roll approach to movement, and it is beautiful.

Now, if this wasn't encouraging enough, he surprised us yet again. While at Shriners' yesterday, working with his physical therapist, he began "cruising" by taking side steps along a bench they have. The amount of time this little boy has spent trying so hard to step along a couch is insane. We have worked so hard on this in therapy, and at home...because it is something he really enjoys. He loves feeling as big on the outside as he wants so badly to be on the inside. I sat at therapy and watched his tiny, wobbly ankles doing their best to support a big belly, move to push a button that would activate the penguin toy. His smile when he pushed the button lit up the room, and melted my heart. All of this developmental growth in his motor skills over the past couple of months prompted his therapist to say she was "amazed" at the amount of progress he's made. It also prompted her to make a push for ankle braces. We think it will help him feel more comfortable with his stability and prompt more movement. I think his little size 2/3 feet will look adorable with them; and maybe he'll get to put on his size 5 DC's that were bought for him a year ago.

It was such a cool day.

So, this morning, as I watched Deakon show us again how he has began moving along couches; I thought about how I could take his example and move forward in my own life. We tend to think of these things anyway at this time of year, and I am, even more so with an infamous landmark in my life close to rearing its' ugly head.

Truthfully, as I thought, I couldn't nail any number of specific "resolutions" down. Sure, I want to drop five pounds, spend more time cooking, and organize my finances - but those things don't warrant any change of character or "feeling" The changes of heart are the one's I am hoping will make appearances for me this coming year. I feel like this past year has been one of learning. I have grown as a mother and person, and while experiencing what I have, to this point, the one thing I "Know For Sure" is that I am nowhere close to knowing anything. I have a long path to travel yet, with adventures waiting and lessons to be learned. Hopefully, at the end of the path, I will have gained some wisdom and spent more time worrying about others' rather than myself.

And although I am feeling old at the moment, in all actuality, I would not travel back ten years if I was paid.

Where I am now is good, and I am content - Content to be trying the best I know how.