I have so many feelings today.
So many feelings...
I sat in the sun at the pool yesterday, with my radiantly happy boy snuggled up on my lap. I rubbed his cheek and he smiled and made his little happy noises. I know those unintelligible noises that he shares when he is content and peaceful; they typically make my heart flutter alongside his. But, this time the noises hurt. My heart broke knowing that he doesn't understand what this week will bring him. He doesn't understand the pain he is about to encounter, or the set backs physically he is going to have to re-learn and endure.
He doesn't know.
But, I do.
I feel so responsible. I feel so much guilt. I know this decision to have the surgery was made factually and appropriately, but my heart carries the burden of the aftermath. I feel ashamed that I am not only worried about Deak and his recovery, but I am also worried about mine. Can I handle the load? Can I stay healthy (mentally) and be the mother that Deak needs me to be? Can I balance his growing list of needs with the needs of my Abby? She needs me too, and she is worried out of her mind for him this week. How can I be all these things for all these people and not feel guilty for taking some moments for me? How will I do this?
I've done this before. We've done this before. Maybe my emotions are simmering too close to the surface, but I feel like "before" I was stronger. I was better. I don't feel strong anymore. I don't feel strong today. I don't know if I can watch my boy in pain again. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can watch him struggle to re-learn the ability to walk after I've watched him struggle to learn it for seven long years. I waited so long for this, and now it will be taken from him.
I am leaning on hope today. I am trying to get out of my emotional system, put on my suit, and function like the mother I have been. I am trying, but it feels harder now. I feel worn down. I feel beaten.
Today.
Today, I have these feelings, and I will mostly allow myself the opportunity to feel these feelings when I am away from my kids.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I will shove them aside and press forward.
I will.
And, things will be okay.
