The Bike.

There is a purple and pink bike in our garage sitting still. It was thrown down in a fury of tears after an hour of trying to overcome a fear that will not let go of its' hold yet. The neighbor kids are riding and to quote Ab, "They are all younger than me." But still...the fear remains. Ab has a tenancy to over think and create logic where childhood thoughts should still rule supreme. I know I passed this down to her- I hope it was passed genetically rather than passed based on her environmental observation of how I handle situations. At this point I cannot change what I have woven.

Abby came inside heartbroken and ready to quit forever. She said, "Mom don't you know I could break a leg doing this!" I don't know how to teach her that things in life don't always come as easily as they should, and she is the one who has to decide to work hard or sit in the dust of her peers. I want her to know I don't judge her based on her skills, but she seems to be judging herself. I see how her heart wants it, but her brain is stuck on that fact that she will inevitably fall. I tried to tell her that we all fall; in fact it is one of the only guarantees I can give her. The secret lies within our attitudes and our ability to endure getting up after the fall, time and time again. I am pretty sure that she thinks I am full of crap.

I tried really hard to work with her patiently; empathetically trying to understand her fear, but pushing her enough to keep trying. I would be lying to say I did a good job of this the entire time, I may have let the "Baby" word slip in a moment of frustration - but I really gave it my all.
Why is it that it is hardest to parent when you see yourself sitting in front of you 23 years later? She is me at this moment...afraid. She is afraid of falling, as I was when I was her age, but I am afraid of failing her.

We are still stuck. The bike is still in the garage. Abby even thought to ask in her prayers, "for Abby and Azelynn to forget how to ride their bikes, so I don't have to learn." A nice idea, but I told her that I didn't think Heavenly Father sometimes takes turns being a witch doctor.
She smirked.
Here's to tomorrow, or maybe next year... we shall see.

No Freaking Way.

So, we had heard from parents (all twelve of them)who have children with Ring 18 Syndrome, that we would notice the cognitive benefits of the growth hormone treatment within a few weeks. They told me the physical growth wouldn't appear for a few months. I kind-of thought, "Uh-huh. Sure, Deak will just "appear" smarter." Although, I secretly hoped.
A couple of days ago I bought a book at Walmart for Deak. The book has simple pictures (ie. Dog, duck, shoes, ball) and then a sidebar with buttons that have the same picture, and when pushed say what the picture is. We played a little with it Monday, and he loved the picture of the dog, and that was that.
Last night, I got out the book again to play with him. I began opening the pages and asking him, "Where's the car?" (His new favortie obsession). He turned, looked at me, and touched the button that said "car." My first thought was, "Very funny. That must've been a fluke." So, I did the same process with "shoes." Once again, he pushed the button for shoes - all on his own. I then looked at Deakon and said, "No Freaking Way Deakon." He smiled and we continued to do this for about 1/2 hour.
Later on that evening when we got home, I showed Blair. I thought it wouldn't happen again - things couldn't happen this fast. Deak did it again...and this time would initiate the buttons he wanted the page to turn to. Blair sat there with the same look of "No Freaking Way."
This morning, Deak did it again. This time for Jentry. He definetly prefers the car button and page...which is so funny. It is so freaking amazing to be able to "hear" him communicate to us. I have fought with doctors and therapists for the past two years, trying to explain to them that Deak is a whole hell of a lot smarter than they give him credit for...he just wasn't able to express it in a typical way. I think I'll let Deak tell them next round.

1st Grade

So I was a little worried Ab might be a little nervous for first grade. I thought she might cling a little, and want me to stay for a few minutes.

Wrong.

She thinks she's in High School. I was not permitted to take her picture in front of the school and had to sneak this one in the classroom.

Abby loves school - though not necessarily for the learning. She has cute little friends in her class and her teacher, Miss Hansen, is fantastic. She came home saying, "I love first grade. We had two recesses and we get three tomorrow. I got to eat a chicken sandwich and pickles." Abby even woke up at 6:30 the next morning so excited to go back.

I copied my friend Holly and had a few fellow first graders over after school for a surprise ice cream party. Ab was so excited and happy - most of the time. A party isn't a party at our house without a little drama :)

Overall, a good first few days. Although I did get a taste of what might be coming when actual schoolwork begins when Abby said, "Guess What? We read words in the morning, and I only do the easy ones. Then, you can get a book or magazine. And, I get the magazine because then you don't have to read."

She's an easiest route possible kind of girl.

Happy Birthday Blair.

Blair is older today...and most importantly, older than me.

Although I am all for cheesy speeches about loved ones; it is not really Blair's style. So, in his honor, a few interesting facts that make him pretty cool.

*Blair religiously wears his Notre Dame tie to church. On purpose. Just to make people wonder.

On that same note, he makes a point of mowing our lawn on Sunday at least once a year; and I quote, "Just to make sure people are sure I am not running for any sort of office." Interestingly enough, he is very learned about religion and knows way, way, more than me. He knows it because he wants to, not because he has to.

*I am pretty sure I have gotten a present for each of his birthdays. He knows it is very sacrificial for me to go shopping without buying something for me, and he lets me, and is happy about it. We even went to Mexican food for his birthday dinner, and he knows that is my favorite.

*Blair is extremely protective, and will always, no matter what, have my back. Period. It is sometimes a problem for him because he has a hard time listening to others' perspectives, when he feels I or the kids have been wronged in some way - but I would rather he err on our side :) I always feel safe when he's around.

*Blair wears his Chromosome 18 blue rubber band bracelet all the time.

*Blair loves to play. He and Abby beat each other up and irritate each other every night - all in the spirit of fun mostly. He loved coaching Drew's team last year, and would be awesome working with kids at anything. They naturally love him.

Sorry Babe. I think this may have turned out cheesier than anticipated. We love you.

Have a Great Day.

My Tag For Carly.

I don't typically do these things, but I love Carly and I thought this one was kind of interesting. I am afraid to rewrite what Carly wrote because I realized that I thought many of the same things. Here goes nothing.

I am: a wife and mother.
I think: way, way too much.
I know: not a lot about stuff, but some about life.
I want: to have all the clothes at Anthropologie (very materialistic, I know.)
I have: too much.
I dislike: onions and mean people.
I miss: California and old friends.
I fear: leaving my family.
I feel: pretty good, but typically tired.
I hear: the Olympics and Blair.
I smell: the stinky fish tank.
I cry: all the time, especially about anything to do with overcoming obstacles and my children.
I usually: think people are genuinely good.
I search: for peace.
I wonder: why crappy things happen to good little people at my school.
I regret: being unkind to others.
I love: my life.
I care: so much about my loved ones.
I always: check my email...rather compulsively.
I worry: that I spend too much money.
I am not: flexible (physically)...at all.
I remember: A lot, but yet I forget to put my car in park sometimes.
I believe: in faith.
I sing: in the car to songs I really like, with Deakon.
I don't always: cook dinner.
I argue: only when I feel it is necessary.
I write: because I love it, and have missed it in the past.
I win: when I need to.
I lose: only when I don't care.
I wish: I didn't worry so much about things.
I listen: to people for a living.
I am talented at: nothing. Seriously.
I can usually be found: with my family or friends.
I am scared: of everything; but mostly knives, fire and wind.
I need: more money and time.
I forget: lots of stupid things, but not important things usually.
I am happy: when I look at Deakon and Abby.

I tag any of you.

Balance

Wise people have said that the key to happiness is finding balance in your life - and I really do agree with that. I just wish the wise people would've built upon that with a direct plan to helping me figure out how to achieve balance. That's the place where I always seem to land, and these are the questions I can never find the right answer to.

How do I balance motherhood and sanity?

How do I balance my feeling important and yet show others they are the most important?

How do I balance being kind with self-protection?

How do I balance my deepest desire to give Abby and Deak a sibling, with my deepest fear that I won't make it through another pregnancy?

How do I balance Deakon's genuinely special medical needs with Abby's genuinely special need for my attention and approval?

How do I maintain relationships with the people I care about while maintaining a house, family and budget?

This week began as a balancing act. I had my first meeting with my new principal and faculty on Monday...and so it goes - Deakon came along. I did my best to be professional and listen, all the while worrying about interrupting others and my new boss's opinion of this crazy working mom who is supposed to counsel the school. I love my job, but I love my kids more. But, truthfully, I also love feeling like person who has something to offer others' for a few hours. More often than not though, I am not offering much to others because of my fear of "balancing" things in the wrong direction. Spending extra time at work = Bad mom. At least on guilt-ridden days. I am not sure I would be happy staying home completely and I am not sure I would be happy working all the time. I work part-time in my attempt at balance...but some days it just doesn't work out like my type A brain says it should.

Yesterday, I had to work again...all day at a District meeting - something that always messes with my mind because I have a hard time justifying singing songs and doing crafts as being beneficial for me professionally. But, I go. I tried to sneak in some time with my kids before running around in the evening. I felt guilty for wanting to leave them.

The balancing act continued today as I went to Deakon's doctors' office to learn how to inject Deakon's medicine into him. As I drove there at 8:00 this morning, listening to the "WhaleShark" episode of Diego in the car for the forty-thousandth time, I had some time to think about why I just feel out of whack. I noticed a couple, probably in their sixties, holding hands tightly and walking together....and I want that. But, how do I balance the relationship I have with Blair with the relationships I want to have with my children? What is the right amount of time to spend away from them to ensure that Blair and I don't lose the connection we have? The kids seem to dominate right now, and their needs seem to find their way to the top of my internal priority mountain. Yet, I have a deep understanding of the importance of the relationship between a child's mother and father. I just can't find the right answer.

Today was supposed to be a day of joy. Deakon is finally going to be given the medicine we have fought so hard for. But, the joy has been trampled by my overwhelming feeling of incompetence. I tried so hard to listen to everything the doctor said, and I even asked to practice extra times...but how do I balance being a pseudo nurse with being a nervous mother? I trembled as I tried so hard to remember the pattern I was taught...1. Pinch 2. Poke 3. Release 4. Inject 5. Count to five. I still screwed it up. Somewhere around step number three, the tears came and I had to start over. That meant another needle for Deak. I wanted so badly to do this right and be strong and think it is easy - but it is not. It's hard, and no one told me. I don't like feeling weak.

On the way home I felt broken. I have the hope that I can do this and take care of all Deakon has going for him in the coming months; I am just not sure. I began to wallow in self-pity (as they say) for while today...and when I was done thinking about myself - a little bit of clarity came.

I will never achieve balance. I will try my best most days, but I will also try to be better at cutting myself a little slack.

I have people in my life who do things like: Go to the restaurant (DoDo) I want to go to, even though she doesn't love it... Make me lunch and watch my kids...Say things like "Hey Jen, if you need someone to help hold Deakon down tomorrow night while you give him the shot, please call me."...Buy my little girl a fish and make her feel special...Bring me cookies...Email me from halfway around the world, to let me know they have my back:)...and love me for who I am, even when I suck.

I wouldn't be anywhere without the people who love me...I couldn't make it through days like this.

Thank you for keeping me sane.

Thank you for making my day.

Back Home

(I am just apologizing up front for the crazy amount of pictures...as usual, pick and choose :))

San Diego!

(Seaport Village)

Although I was technically born in Utah, I moved to San Diego when I was a few months old...so I claim it as my own. I lived there for about 11 years and haven't been back in about 10...so needless to say, I was very excited when my parents offered to get a beach house for the whole family in Mission Beach (a few miles from Sea World). I jumped at the chance to take my family to the place where I grew up. It was kind-of surreal at times going places that I had been at the same age as my daughter. My dad commented how he felt life had come full circle seeing us as adults with our children in our old spots. I can imagine as a parent how awesome that would be.

Wild Animal Park
Deak attacking a deer.
The highlight of Ab's day; the $16 4 minute ride.

The Beach

The weather couldn't have been any better. The water was warmish, and my kids had a fabulous time. Abby conquered her fear of the ocean after being trampled by a wave last year, and Deak could've played in the water and throw sand in his eyes all day.

San Diego Zoo

We made it here on the perfect day. It was slightly overcast and just the perfect temperature. We had the privilege of seeing Deak laugh hysterically at the animals, and watch a Hippo poo a very large amount of poo in our face.

Padres Game
My very, very nice sisters watched the kids while some of us got to go to the Padres game. Yea, I know the Padres are last in their division, but we had sweet seats (just to the right of home plate and 13th row) and I love baseball. We also got to see CC pitch for the Brewers, which was kind-of cool; although I wonder how he moves his body. Anyway, for me personally, it was the highlight of the trip.

Pinkberry
The hype is true. It is really good. Good enough that my dad had to take us there twice in the bus of love (15 passenger white child molester van). It was pretty awesome being picked up in the gas lamp district in front of Hard Rock Hotel/Club in that thing. Oh well, it was worth it (although some passengers might've begged to differ).

Sea World

I love Sea World. I got to go there often, even on school field trips, each year as a child. I loved taking Abby there and showing her all the things I loved. She liked it all afterwards, but I have to admit, a good portion of the day was spent with this look on her face.

Here are some of the best moments, with smiles.

The Whole Family...as good as it gets.

Payne Sisters.

The pictures don't do the trip justice. It was really easy to be together and have a good time. There are so many moments I wished I still lived there. Well, at least in our second home. When we drove by the apartment Nikki and I lived in for 7 years in North Park, Maddi asked us to lock our doors. Nikki and I smirked and replied, "Welcome to our world."

So true how much life is bound to change, and at some point you will come full circle. I am not there yet...still have a ways to go on the full circle part; but it was a step in that direction.

Thanks for the wonderful trip Mom and Dad - and family.

Go USA!!!!

So I know this might be a little lame, but I have to give a quick shout out to my friend Jane and her husband Jake. Jake is doing AWESOME playing Beach Volleyball in the Olympics and he and his partner Sean, have made it into the final eight! They play Brazil (who won gold 4 years ago) Monday night in China....so it most likely will be on TV sometime Monday morning!
Cheer them on if you can...they are much deserved of this awesome experience!
Go USA!

Summer Rocks and Winter Sucks

I feel like most of my summer has been spent in or around water. My kids can't get enough of it, and it is one of the things Deak can participate fully in. But, I am also feeling like it is going by way, way too fast.
I cherish the Summer, and I hate the Winter. I show my defiance by never wearing socks in the winter. It really tells Winter where to go (or mostly my toes freeze).
Here are a few housecleaning pictures of our hot weather activities I wanted to post before I cry and have to go back to school, work, schedules, cooking, and closed - toed shoes.

Cute Kids at Roy Pool

One of the days in the yard with the blow up toys. They are so awesome, they cost like $75 and get a hole in the same day. I also drained my car battery trying to pump up the pool on a different day. Brooke and I then tried to jump my car ourselves and that really didn't work out too well. I honestly don't think I'd sworn so much in years. Thankfully, our trusty neighbor Bob who knows everything, saved the day.

Bountiful Rec. Center - Another adventure in parking due to the fact I went there during the Bountiful Parade. Once we actually arrived though, we had the pool to ourselves.

Deak tried to catch this water in his palm for like 20 minutes...he thought it was hysterical. And, he was right.

So, if you see me in a tank and flip flops come December, don't worry, I am sane - just telling the snow to kiss off.

When in doubt, use this line...

Ab has been testing the waters a little lately in the lying area, and yesterday was no different.
When asked about why she had random lines of marker all over both of her legs...
Abby reply #1: "Kaitlyn drew on me." (A neighbor)
Me: "Hmm, okay...do you mind if I call Kaitlyn's mom and let her know what happened?"
(Like I would, just empty parenting threats).
Abby reply #2: "Okay fine. The markers just flew in the air and landed on my legs. I don't know how they got there."
Well okay then. That makes perfect sense.

Proof

This is Deakon Sick.

Seriously.

I got him out of bed this morning and he was literally lying in a pool of dried vomit. (Very Appetizing). He didn't even cry when it happened last night. (That would be why it was dry - not because I decided to let him "shake it off")

I then fed him applesauce...which fared the same way.

He laughed after vomiting.

And then, he began trying to crawl again.

He made it to the corner of the couches past the blanket. It is pretty cute; he kind-of uses his head as leverage since his shoulders aren't the strongest.

He clapped for himself after.

I told you. The kid really is happy all the time.